The wife, the mother, and the slut: sexual pleasure for the Filipino woman a grounded theory approach

Abstract

The Philippines is considered to have one of the highest rates of heterosexual women who have difficulty in experiencing sexual pleasure. However, very few studies have tackled this concern due to the conservative culture of the country. To address this, the present study aimed to build a theory of sexual pleasure for the Filipino women using a constructivist grounded theory approach. The theory is constructed out of two models: the Identity Model of Sexual Pleasure and the Sexual Event Model of Sexual Pleasure. Results of the study can be used to aid in future interventions for sex and relationship therapy in the country.

Lay summary

The first study that explores sexual pleasure for the Filipino woman. This study follows their journey of discovering their sexual selves, getting over shame, and becoming vulnerable in their marriages to embrace being a sexual woman. This study is vital in creating interventions for sex and relationships therapy in the country.

Keywords:

• Sexual pleasure
• Filipino women
• culture
• marital therapy
• sex therapy
• grounded theory

Women’s sexual problems mostly revolve around their difficulty in experiencing sexual pleasure (Flynn et al., 2016; Krakowsky & Grober, 2018). Though women’s experiences with sexual pleasure has been an area of ongoing interest for many years, the mechanisms that surround female sexual pleasure still remain confounded such that professionals, clinicians, and researchers have different understandings of the concept (Usigli et al., 2017). Existing research focuses on experiences of orgasms and relational sexual factors but often fail to explicate the meaning of sexual pleasure to include the psychological, social, and cultural components that surround it, even though it has been established that these factors have an impact on how sexual pleasure is experienced, especially for women (Cruz & Caringal-Go, 2021; Hall & Graham, 2013; Hull, 2008; Usigli et al., 2017).

A culture with a strong adherence to the Catholic faith, such as that in the Philippines, has further led women’s sexuality and pleasure to be concealed and stigmatized (Austria, 2004; Pui-Lan, 2005). Traditionally, Filipino women, upon marriage, are expected to be “good Filipino women” – where they are to keep the “marriage intact by her patience, submission, and virtues” (Sevilla, 1986, p. 68). This includes submission to the husband’s sexual desire (Tan et al., 2001). In this context, the husband’s sexual pleasure becomes an obligation for the wife to fulfill, and her own pleasure becomes invisible (Jung, 2000).

Given the importance of sexual pleasure as a factor of well-being (Fisher et al., 2015), and of the right to sexual pleasure be universally promoted and recognized (World Association for Sexual Health (WAS), 2008), it is imperative that we extend the understandings of a woman’s sexual pleasure to accommodate the cultural beliefs, values, and social standards that surround it. Using a Grounded theory approach, the goal of this paper is to create a model that answers the question: In the context of Philippine Catholic culture where a woman is expected to be a “good Filipino woman,” how do Filipino women experience and make sense of their sexual pleasure? This paper aims to address the dearth of literature in sexual pleasure in the Philippines and guide interventions in sex and relationships therapy in the country.

Literature review

Sexual pleasure and well-being

Sexual pleasure has been considered a vital aspect of a person’s relationship quality, happiness in life, and overall well-being in recent decades (Fisher et al., 2015; Heiman et al., 2011). Defined as “the positive feelings that arise from sexual stimuli” (p. 30) (Rye & Meaney, 2007), clinicians have regarded sexual pleasure to possibly be the key to the successful functioning of our sexual health (Hull, 2008). It is believed to be so remarkably crucial to a person’s health and well-being that it is considered by the World Health Organization as an individual’s sexual right (World Health Organization (WHO), 2015).

Research shows that sexual pleasure entails engaging in healthy sexual activities that are linked to positive outcomes such as a stronger immune system, less emotional and mental distress, and more stable relationships (Meltzer et al., 2017; Sprecher & Cate, 2004). People who reported experiencing sexual pleasure through high levels of sexual satisfaction were more likely to be happier and satisfied in their relationships and have a better sense of well-being (Gadassi et al., 2016; O’Leary et al., 2012). It is also positively linked to feelings of love (Yela, 2000), commitment, and stability (Sprecher, 2002). Conversely, those who reported having difficulty in attaining pleasure were found to have high levels of marital instability (Yeh et al., 2006), high rates of infidelity of the dissatisfied partner and a significant increase in the number of failed relationships (Meltzer et al., 2017).

Multidimensional model of sexual pleasure and satisfaction

Due to the link between sexual pleasure, well-being, infidelity, and relationship failures, researchers have focused their understandings of sexual pleasure and satisfaction not just on the personal, but also on the interpersonal aspects of the relationship (Meston & Trapnell, 2005). Western researchers ventured to examine distinct characteristics of a sexual encounter that culminates in pleasurable sexual experience of both partners (Kleinplatz et al., 2013; Philippsohn & Hartmann, 2009). These studies extended the body of knowledge on sexual pleasure and satisfaction to encapsulate the dynamics of the two people sharing a sexual relationship in the context of western cultures.

One such study is of Meston and Trapnell (2005) who developed a five-factor sexual satisfaction scale to specify the personal and relational components of their sexual pleasure. These factors were based on recurrent themes in the sexual pleasure and satisfaction literature, thus satisfaction is seen as equivalent to sexual pleasure. The relational elements included (1) communication, (2) compatibility, and (3) relational concern, while (4) contentment, and (5) personal concern comprised the personal element, where perceived sexual communication is seen as the most frequently cited contributor of sexual satisfaction (Byers & Demmons, 1999; Trudel, 2002).

Further adding to this understanding, Philippsohn and Hartmann (2009) studied a sample of German women and discovered that sexual pleasure from sexual intercourse was based on two dimensions: (1) feeling close to one’s partner and (2) having positive bodily and emotional experiences. Feeling close to one’s partner entailed being able to feel safe and not lonely during the sexual encounter, while having a positive bodily and emotional experience included feeling content, relaxed, happy, and free of sexual tension. Their study concluded that sexual pleasure is an interwoven play of personal and relational factors experienced during the sexual encounter (Philippsohn & Hartmann, 2009).

To capture the various factors that surround sexual pleasure in previous literature, Kleinplatz and colleagues (2013) developed a multidimensional model of sexual pleasure. In this longitudinal study of Canadian individuals, they were able to identify eight major components of optimal sexual experience that were common among participants. These components include (1) being completely present and focused in the sexual experience; (2) having a sense of connection and being in sync with one another; (3) having a deep sexual and erotic intimacy founded on mutual respect and genuine acceptance; (4) experiencing extraordinary communication and heightened empathy for each other; (5) seeing sex as an adventure, where both can take part in risk-taking and exploration in the context of humor and laughter; (6) looking at sex as a venue to be authentic, genuine, uninhibited and to be unself-conscious with their partner; (7) being able to let go, to be vulnerable, be “swept away” and surrender to the partner, and; (8) going through a sense of transformation, transcendence, enhancement and healing. This model was developed to feature characteristics and skills of both sexual partners to achieve a “portrait of great sex” or a pleasurable sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009; 2013; Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007).

Women and orgasms

When focus is shifted solely on women, researchers have regarded having an orgasm as the most important predictor of their sexual pleasure (Kontula, 2009). An orgasm is described as a bodily experience of having a series of muscle contractions in the genital area resulting in the release of sexual tension, and is accompanied by a subjective experience of pleasurable sensations (Masters & Johnson, 1966) because of the gratifying and pain-suppressing sensations that it provides during and after the sexual act (Komisaruk et al., 2006; Kontula & Miettinen, 2016). Hence, extensive literature on female sexual pleasure are centered on a woman’s behavior and ability to achieve orgasm (Kontula, 2009). However, only women who found it easier to have an orgasm regard having it as an important part of their sexual pleasure (Kontula & Miettinen, 2016; Laan & Rellini, 2011). Moreover, in the relational models of sexual pleasure, it is mentioned that reaching climax or achieving orgasm is neither necessary nor sufficient to have a great and pleasurable sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009; 2013; Philippsohn & Hartmann, 2009). This implies that pleasure derived from a sexual experience may mean more than just physical sensations and healthy sexual functioning (Blair & Pukall, 2014; Salisbury & Fisher, 2014) and for women, sexual pleasure may depend on their frame of reference, which includes her own expectations and past experiences (Byers & Macneil, 2006). In this regard, a woman’s sexual pleasure may be seen as not solely confined to her body experiencing an orgasm during the sexual encounter but also includes her cognitive, emotional, psychological, and sociocultural experiences.

Sociocultural experiences and the good Filipino woman

In a deeply religious country such as the Philippines, sexuality is framed by a strong religious moral system imposed by the Roman Catholic Church (Austria, 2004; Claudio, 1999). In this context, Filipinos’ sexual attitudes remain generally conservative, wherein sex and more specifically, sexual pleasure are taught not to be a topic for polite conversation and is considered taboo (Natividad & Marquez, 2004; Tan et al., 2001). Traditionally, women’s sexual pleasure are bound by gender stereotypes, specifically by the expectation that women should remain virgins until marriage and the assumption that women should not and do not have sex for pleasure (Leyson, 2004). Because of this, it is not uncommon for Filipino women to have feelings of guilt and anxiety from the conflict that arises from their sexual feelings of pleasure and their cultural beliefs (Conaco, 1980; Cruz, 2021; Gilandas et al., 1982). Thus, it is also not surprising that in Asia, the Philippines has the highest rate of women who experience lack of sexual pleasure in their sexual encounters (Nicolosi et al., 2005).

Even when sexual relations become morally good as in the context of marriage, not the same could be said for the wife’s sexual pleasure. As the Catholic faith has stood by the significance of the sexual act as both unitive and procreative, the lack of a reproductive function and the need for additional stimulation to sustain female arousal raises the question of whether or not the experience female sexual pleasure is purely hedonistic in nature (Perez, 2007). That being so, the church’s teachings do not explicitly acknowledge the capacity of women to feel pleasure in the sexual act nor their ability to have sex for pleasure. While the most recent pronouncement of Pope Francis I on the sexual relations of husband and wife has expressed progressive views, it still did not recognize the woman’s capacity for pleasure in the sexual union (Salzman & Lawler, 2016).

Further following these teachings, a Filipino woman is presumed to become a “good Filipino wife” where sexual submission to the husband is expected. In fact, a common narrative that surrounds the role of women in a sexual relationship is that their sole purpose when having sex is to please their male partners (Englander et al., 2012; Roces, 2009; Tan et al., 2001). Women reported having sexual intercourse not because they desired it, but rather, to make their husbands happy (Aguiling-Dalisay et al., 1995). Adding to this, by Filipino standards, a good wife is also expected to become a “good Filipino mother” as she bears children –someone who preserves the interests of the husband and who safeguards and manages the household and children orderly (Lauser, 2008; Soriano et al., 2015). It is said that these Filipino women’s internalized expectations of a good woman are deeply implanted in the cultural psyche of the people (Peracullo, 2017). In her analysis of studies on the Filipino woman and the family, Sevilla concluded that the traditional “ideal wife" in Philippine literature is:a loving and loyal mate to her husband; she is responsible for keeping the marriage intact by her patience, hard work, submission and virtue. Aside from whatever outside employment she may hold, she is also expected to be a diligent housekeeper and… budgets the money…for family and household needs…(Sevilla, 1986, p. 16).

In essence, a good Filipino wife and a good Filipino mother constitute a good Filipino woman. The “good Filipino woman” takes care of the people around her and is known as the “ilaw ng tahanan” or the guiding light of the home (Valledor-Lukey, 2012). Consequently, because of these expectations, women report feeling consumed by the stresses of taking on a mothering role and thus experience less identification as a sexual person and a sexual partner (Montemurro & Siefken, 2012), and less experiences of sexual pleasure.

With all these expectations in tow, it is compelling to know how Filipino women make sense of their experiences of sexual pleasure as “good Filipino women.” Though extensive studies in Western literature have provided us with factors associated with women’s sexual pleasure, they are still limited in scope. Models of sexual pleasure, such as the “portrait of great sex” are only focused on what transpires during the sexual moment (Kleinplatz et al., 2013). Other studies focused on women’s orgasms restrict the understanding of female sexual pleasure to a biological function, thus, limiting the role of a woman in her capacity to be responsible for her own pleasure. These studies also did not take into account the cultural space and resources that a woman is confined in that could significantly alter her feelings and beliefs on her sexual pleasure. In a study of young Filipina women and their sexual agency, it was ascertained that Filipina women have the ability to construct alternative discourses on their sexuality that is sensitive to their cultural norms (Delgado-Infante & Ofreneo, 2014). Hence, it is important to address these gaps by studying how Filipino women construct their experiences of sexual pleasure given the sociocultural space that they are in. I argue that a Filipino woman’s experience of sexual pleasure is not solely based on what transpires in her relationship and her bodily functions, but is also embedded in her cultural roots, reinforced by religious teachings on sexuality and her feminine ideals. Currently, there is a lack of research on female sexual pleasure grounded in the Philippine context. Given the importance of sexual pleasure in maintaining overall health and relationship happiness, my study sought to further the understanding of how Filipino married women construct sexual pleasure in a culture where a strong religious background is presumed to influence a woman’s sexual experiences.

Grounded theory approach to sexual pleasure

To address these gaps, I utilized a constructivist grounded theory approach. The constructivist grounded theory approach shows how to interpret a complex phenomenon and at the same time, accommodate social issues that are laden with socially constructed realities (Charmaz, 2005), such as a Filipino woman’s pleasurable sexual experiences. Using constructivist grounded theory allowed me to identify how a phenomenon, such as sexual pleasure, unfolded, transformed, or was kept the same through time (Charmaz, 2005; Willig, 2008). Using this lens, I was able to further locate my analysis contextually in time, place, culture, and situation (Charmaz, 2005). More importantly, this analysis required me to take in account how the resulting theory is an interpretation that is not separate from my preconceived notions of the phenomenon as a Filipino woman, myself (Bryant, 2002; Charmaz, 2002, 2005). Through this reflexivity, I was able to meticulously understand how the participants constructed their realities and experiences of sexual pleasure (Charmaz, 2008).

Statement of the problem

Against this Filipino cultural backdrop, I sought to further understand and answer the following research question: In the context of Philippine religious culture where they are expected to be a “good Filipino woman,” how do Filipino women experience and make sense of their sexual pleasure?

An understanding of the variability on how women experience pleasure can inform the work of sexual health educators to recognize and validate unique experiences among clients, and encourage straightforward, detailed, and comfortable language in talking about sexual pleasure and exploration (Herbenick et al., 2018). The model could also hopefully help sex therapists design interventions to aid Filipino women overcome sexual difficulties in achieving sexual pleasure using a framework that is acceptable to their cultural context.

Method

Participants

Thirty one (N = 31) participants were recruited using the criterion and snowball sampling method through the researcher’s professional, social, and personal circles. The primary data collection involved twenty four (N = 24) married heterosexual Filipino to allow for theoretical saturation (Guest et al., 2006). Seven (N = 7) women were additionally recruited for negative case analysis and to strengthen the validity of the data. Recruitment included the following criteria: these women were (1) heterosexual; (2) aged 25–50 years old; (3) in a non-discordant marriage, and with children; (4) practicing Roman Catholic; (5) attended a Catholic school in the Philippines since early childhood and (6) did not have any history of traumatic sexual experiences at the time of the study. To ensure that the women were not experiencing marital distress during the study, they were asked to answer the Marital Taxon Self Report Measure (Whisman et al., 2009). A cut-off score of less than 4 implied that the woman was not in a non-discordant marriage.

Data collection and ethical considerations

The initial data collection stage of the study consisted of interviews of 24 Filipino women who fit the inclusion criteria stated above, with ages ranging from 27–48 years (M = 36.74, SD = 5.12). These women have been married from 4–15 years (M = 9.39, SD = 5.9) and all attended a Catholic school in Metro Manila. They are all college educated, and reside and grew up within the urban setting. The demographic information of the participants, including their current professions are summarized in Table 1. All names were changed to ensure anonymity. Personal interviews using a semi-structured but informal conversational style were used for data collection. The interview was conducted through face-to-face interaction using English, Filipino, or Taglish. All interviews were audio recorded. All data were transcribed and translated by me and research assistants who were native Filipino and English speakers. The transcriptions were checked twice for accuracy. Strict adherence to the ethical guidelines given by the University’s Ethics and Research Board was ensured throughout data collection. All participants signed informed consent forms and were given additional information on data privacy before the interview. Moreover, as it is known that these questions may bring about feelings of discomfort, participants were debriefed after each interview and were informed of psychological/marital centers and couples’ therapists that they can visit if issues about their marriages abound during the interview process.

Table 1. Demographic information of the women who fit the inclusion criteria.

Name of participant	Age	Number of children	Length of marriage (in years)	Occupation
Pat	27	1	2	Journalist
Erika	28	1	1	Homemaker
Bea	30	2	4	Yoga Instructor
Tana	32	2	7	Teacher
Tony	32	1	2	Teacher
Denise	34	2	8	HR Executive
Kris	35	2	3	Entrepreneur
Sandy	35	4	15	Entrepreneur
Fae	35	3	9	Manager
Noelle	35	3	10	Entrepreneur
Tricia	36	1	5	Journalist
Ging	37	3	16	Entrepreneur
Charisse	38	1	10	Physician
Mira	38	2	11	Physician
Angie	38	4	13	Lawyer
Christa	38	3	12	Entrepreneur
Chay	39	3	6	Consultant
Andrea	39	2	8	Lawyer
Lily	42	5	19	Teacher
Dens	42	2	7	HR Executive
Myla	42	2	10	Interior Designer
Beth	45	1	12	Teacher
Anna	48	3	26	Entrepreneur

Names changed for confidentiality.

Theoretical sampling and evolution of interview questions

The pilot analysis involved interviews with two women in their 20’s and two women in their 60’s. Through this analysis, it was realized that their experiences showed great variability and would be difficult to capture through a grounded theory method. Moreover, initial interview questions only revolved around the women’s greatest sexual experiences and data were limited to their sexual encounters. Hence, questions to directly examine the influence of their Catholic faith on their sexual selves were added as well as questions on how they learned about sex from their families, their schools, their friends, and the media.

As more women were interviewed, stories on their first sexual experiences and encounters arose. From this, the line of questioning progressed to how their first experiences of sex are completely different from their sexual experiences at the present. It was during this evolution of questioning that the women talked about being married and becoming mothers and how it affected their sexual lives and their marriages. In the subsequent interviews, I included questions that specifically pertain to these and also asked for the importance of sex in their marriages. The initial negative nature of their stories made me curious about how they were able to shift their narratives into a more positive situation. I asked about their sexual agencies and how they express their sexual desires which led us to talk about their fantasies and their different ways of arousal. I added specific questions on these in my next interviews.

As I went on to interview more women, I discovered that they too have similar stories of negative nature. At this point, I decided to focus on these negative stories and figure out the processes of the women to overcome these struggles and how these affected their experiences of sexual pleasure. This is an example of “openness” in grounded theory (Charmaz, 2005), where I shifted the focus of my study from their greatest experiences of pleasure to their experiences of non-pleasure. This was when I found out that all the women encountered triggering events in light of these non-pleasurable sexual experiences that led to their process of sexual transformation. This suggested a core process that could be essential for the women to experience pleasure. By looking at this core process, I was able to extract the different elements of sexual pleasure for these women and compare them with one another.

As the questions evolved, I made it a point to go back to the other women to ensure that I was able to ask them all of the questions in the final interview protocol. Having the opportunity to contact the participants after the interview to clarify concepts and ask them further questions contributed to the refinement of the concepts, thus forming part of the theoretical sampling. Moreover, throughout this process, I would transcribe right after the interviews to be able to analyze after each round before moving on to another round of interviews. This also allowed the process of theoretical sampling to occur.

Data analysis

Data analysis started with three phases of coding: initial coding, focused coding, and theoretical coding. In initial coding, I generated as many ideas as I could from the pilot data and at the same time, continued data collection from other participants to allow for theoretical sampling. During this phase, I adapted an inductive approach in which I analyzed specific ideas from the data and grouped them together to form categories (Bryant & Charmaz, 2007). Case-based memos were written during and after interviews to allow me to capture my initial ideas and record my process of analytical thinking. These memos helped me make comparisons between my own reflections from each interview which enriched data analysis and guided further data collection.

In focused coding, I looked at central codes that came out of the entire data set. Constant comparison of the data by looking at similar events, cases, and codes was done to further understand and explain variation in the data. Through this, I was able to identify salient categories from the codes. This phase was guided by questions about the dimensions of the category and under what conditions the category occurred and its subsequent consequences. Significant portions of the text at the category level were compared with other categories, allowing identification of core patterns in the data (Morse & Richards, 2002). The use of constant comparison enabled me to abstract the concepts and explain the social processes behind them.

In theoretical coding, I refined the final categories and identified patterns and relationships that exist within and between these categories. I then made diagrams to visualize the systems and patterns that unfolded throughout the analysis (Oktay, 2012). These categories, relations, and patterns were checked against past literature to define new and existing concepts that were used in generating the theoretical model of Filipino women’s sexual pleasure.

In between these three phases of coding, analysis of deviant cases were also taken into account. This allowed me to put emphasis on the meaning and process of sexual pleasure for the women rather than other sexual processes. Seven women who have characteristics that are different from the women included in the study were also selected to demonstrate validity and theoretical sampling (Payne, 2007). I selected these women through purposive sampling. The seven women included a single, heterosexual woman; a woman who has not gone through her sexual debut; a polyamorous bisexual woman; a married, agnostic woman, a married Christian woman, a woman going through menopause, and two married women who have explicitly stated that they have not experienced pleasure in their sexual encounters.

I conducted over 20 iterations of the theoretical model during data analysis before reaching a final model. This was done through a series of induction and deduction of patterns and relationships that salient categories have with each other. These concepts and relationships were compared with data from the seven women whose profiles did not fit the criteria of inclusion in the study. Specifically, I checked if these relationships were present or absent in the stories of the seven women who are different from the women in the study. Theoretical saturation was reached after analysis of the narratives from all the 31 women combined.

Throughout the analysis, I consulted with my adviser, one of my panelists, along with two independent women researchers who are my colleagues from the Psychology Department for feedback and to confirm their understanding of the model. Their insights helped me identify my own experiences and perspectives during the analysis. As I am both a Filipino wife and a mother, it was easy for me to empathize with the women’s stories on the expectations of being a good Filipino woman. Hence, I used the viewpoints of my adviser, panelist, and my colleagues, and compared them with my notes and reflections from the interviews to help me answer my research question. I also compared the participants’ experiences to my experiences as a mother, a wife, and a therapist. Through constant comparison, I was able to see similarities in the narratives and recognize stark differences. This made me pause and reflect on the context that these women were operating in. I consulted with my participants to validate my comprehension of their experiences. I also discussed with them their understanding of my models and the emerging theory. Through this, I was able to prioritize my participant’s views over my own biases, which is key in a constructionist’s process of grounded theory (Charmaz, 2008).

Results

The aim of the study is to create a theory of sexual pleasure for married Filipino Catholic women. The theory shows how the women make sense and experience sexual pleasure given the culture of shame and stigma that surrounds it. The theory is made up of two models, shown in Figure 1 and Figure 2, with one model embedded in a bigger model: the Identity Model of Sexual Pleasure that includes the Relational Model of Sexual Pleasure. The Identity Model of Sexual Pleasure encompasses a more holistic view of sexual pleasure as the women go through stages of their lives and assume different identities. Within these identities, they go through a multidimensional experience that embraces their bodies, their cultural beliefs, and how they perceive and connect with their partners. The Identity Model of Sexual Pleasure is the driving force of the second model, the Relational Model of Sexual Pleasure which concentrates on different aspects of the women’s sexual pleasure that are dependent on how her husband relates to her, and how she relates to herself.

Figure 1.  The identity model of sexual pleasure.

Figure 2. The relational model of sexual pleasure.

The Identity Model of Sexual Pleasure consists of six categories showing how women identify with themselves in relation to how they see their sexual experiences: as adolescents, as girlfriends, as mothers, as wives, as sexual women or “sluts”, and as renewed women. These six categories are connected through eight processes and one core process: learning masturbation, having sex for the thrill, deprioritizing sexual encounters, engaging in sex primarily for their husbands, giving in to unwanted sex, getting “pleasure” by giving pleasure, owning their sexual desires and pleasure, having pleasurable sex for the communion. A core process that is essential for these women to continuously achieve sexual pleasure – reawakening of one’s sexual self – ties all these processes together. All these categories and processes are contained in a system of sexual values and beliefs known as their sexual value system.

Sexual value system

The women’s sexual value system consisted of how their environment molded their beliefs and views about sex. This system originated from several aspects of the women’s lives such as the media, their families, their Catholic faith, and their schools. The women reported forming their sexual beliefs as young as 6 years old through watching romantic films on TV or by accidentally watching some of their fathers’ rented adult films. Anna, the eldest in the participants, recounted the moment when she first found out about sex:

Actually, nakakatawa siya. Kasi nung panahon na yun, Betamax pa ata yun. Paguwi ko galing sa school, I saw my dad in their room watching. Tapos nakita ko lang nakahubad. Nacurious ako, kaya pag wala siya, pinapanood ko.

[It’s funny, actually. Because during that time, I think we only had Betamax tapes back then. When I came home from school, I saw my dad in their room watching a tape on TV. Then I saw naked people. I got curious, so when he’s not in the house, I watched the tape too.]

A similar story came from Pat, the youngest of the participants:

When I was growing up in…I don’t know how we discovered my dad’s secret porn stash. VHS, Playboy magazine, Penthouse? …and when my parents weren’t home and we were home, we would go ahead and watch it. So that I think is how I learned about sex.

[When I was growing up– I don’t know how we discovered my dad’s secret porn stash. He had VHS tapes, Playboy magazines, even Penthouse. When my parents weren’t home and we were home, we would go ahead and watch it. So that I think is how I learned about sex.]

None of them got any information about sex from their parents and thus, this made them believe that sex revolves around a culture of silence. For Tony, a 32 year old mom of 2:

My family did not talk to me about sex. It was not even actually “don’t have sex.” There was nothing about sex.

Similarly, Bea, a 30 year old, graduate student said:

Wala namang sinabi sakin. Hindi lang namin pinaguusapan. Kaya parang pag may nalaman ka…wala kang mapagtanungan. Coz, who are you going to ask?

[They didn’t tell me anything. We just did not talk about it. When you learn about something, there’s no one to ask. Because, who are you going to ask?]

As such, this made them believe that sex was something that you need to discover by yourself. For Sandy, whose parents are both religious:

Because we didn’t talk about it, it should be hidden. Kailangan patago…Sex was something that you don’t talk about. But was something that you have to find out.

[Because we didn’t talk about it, it was private. It needed to be kept secret. Sex was something you that you don’t talk about, but it was something that you have to find out for yourself.]

Being educated in a Catholic school further deprived them of information on sex. Even though sex education was present in their school, it did not talk about sex per se. Tana, who has only had sex with her husband, said:

I learned na you had to do it when you’re married. Or parang it’s the best gift daw you could give your husband, yung virginity mo…Parang, they call it Sex Education, but technically, it was a discussion on yung anatomy of yung reproductive system, and then how to handle your period. But never really talked about conception… Walang ganon na aspect.

[I learned that you have to do it when you’re married, and that your virginity is the best gift you could give your husband. They called it Sex Education, but technically, it was just a discussion on the anatomy of the reproductive system, and how to handle your period. But, they never really discussed conception. That aspect of sex wasn’t taught.]

Learning masturbation (as adolescents)

Consequently, because of the lack of information, they were able to navigate their sexual selves at an early age, as adolescents without feeling any shame or stigma about it. For most of them, experiencing sexual pleasure came in the form of exploring one’s self and body through masturbation. Through touching themselves and using things around them to satisfy their bodies, they experienced new pleasurable sensations that they never knew existed.

Noelle, who grew up in an exclusive-girls, Catholic institution stated:

Sobrang bata pa…Grade 2? Nararamdaman ko pag dinidiin ko yung ano ko doon sa unan. Parang may naramdaman akong pagkaka-iba. Sabi ko “ano to?” Pero wala kong guilt noon, walang anything…Kasi parang ang sarap lang noon eh…

[I was really young… I think I was still in second grade. I learned that if you pressed your “thing” on the pillow, there was a very different feeling. I asked myself, “What is this?” But that time I didn’t feel any guilt. That time, it just felt good.]

It was not until they were taught in schools that the women realized that masturbation is deemed as dirty and sinful as Noelle recounted:

Naalala ko ang tawag ko doon parang “self-sex”. Pero, yung tinerm ko lang–coined for myself. Pag sinabi “self-sex”, parang okay lang. pag “sex” kasi madumi eh -yun, parang medyo may guilt na yon. …pero yung bata pa ako hindi ako–I don’t feel bad about it. Parang okay lang.

[I remember I called that “self-sex”, but that was just a term I coined for myself. When I referred to it as “self-sex”, it felt okay. When you just call it “sex”, it’s dirty –and guilt comes with that already. But when I was a child, I didn’t feel bad about it. It felt okay.]

Having sex for the thrill (as girlfriends)

The women took the next steps in their sexual journeys upon having romantic relationships – exploring more of their sexual selves through their sexual debuts as girlfriends. At this phase, they move forward from merely exploring their bodies by themselves to discovering how their bodies react with a sexual partner. Their partner then becomes a part of their discovery of receiving and giving pleasure. Culturally, being educated in a Catholic institution had no negative influence on their beliefs on sex. Rather, they were able to reframe the Catholic teaching that sex is sacred and should only be done by two people who love each other, to their advantage. Bea, who was educated in an exclusive Catholic school since pre-school stated:

Walang effect sa akin yung sinabi ng mga madre na wait til marriage. Para sa akin kasi, sabi rin nila, sex is something you do with the person you love. And as a girlfriend, I loved my boyfriend then, kaya I did it with him.

[The nuns in school told us to wait until marriage before you have sex. This had no effect on me. For me, as the nuns also said, sex is something you do with the person you love. And as a girlfriend, I loved my boyfriend then, so I did it with him.]

Though they were also taught in schools that sex should only be done with their husbands, this did not hinder them from having pleasurable sexual relationships with their then boyfriends. Instead, they took pleasure from the fact that engaging in the act is considered a sin and thus, something that should not be done. This gave them more thrill and excitement in their relationships, which translated to physical sensations of feeling flustered with their hearts racing and beating fast and their bodies feeling ticklish all over.

Sandy who has been with her husband for more than a decade, recounted:

Siguro yung ano—yun nagde-date kami. Dating stage kami na pa takas-takas, yung after a night out, check-in kayo, …So parang, excited ka—yung kinakabahan, pero kinikilig ka, tapos parang kinikiliti ang katawan mo – yung exciting kasi yun eh.

[Maybe it was when we were dating. We were at that dating stage where we snuck off, and after a night out, we would check into a motel. I get excited –I’m nervous but I’m also thrilled, and my body feels ticklish all over. That was really exciting.]

A similar sentiment was shared with Erika, who has only been married for a year:

When we were in college, we would park the car inside the village in random areas and have like steamy sex in the car…that was fun…there’s an element of “bawal.” Bawal sa parents, sa church, and even the society and community…and it’s like pag nahuli ka, you’re dead and it’s a mortal sin, but of course you don’t want to be caught, so that makes it more …like death-defying!

[When we were still in university, we would park the car in random areas in the neighborhood. We would have steamy sex in the car. That was fun, and there was an element of the “forbidden”. It was forbidden by the parents, the church, and even the society and community. When you get caught, you might as well be dead, and having sex before marriage– it’s a mortal sin! But of course you don’t want to be caught, so having sex feels death-defying.]

Deprioritizing sexual encounters (as mothers)

The thrill of having sex before marriage ends upon getting married. Most of the women felt that having the space to have sex without sinning, being comfortable with each other, and seeing each other every day dampened the excitement that sex used to bring them.

Bea, a mom of two, who has been married for four years, said:

Nung kinasal kami, medyo nag die down. Kasi nga parang you take it for granted eh. So medyo nawala ung excitement.

[When we got married, the urge diminished. We took sex for granted. The excitement kind of died down.]

Ging, who has been with her husband for 16 years, stated:

I felt like it was more exciting when you’re not married…Kasi ngayon it’s easily there, but I was more excited than to do it. Like, it was exhilarating siya for me, yung heartbeat ko bibilis siya knowing that we were going to do it. Ngayon kasi hindi ka na…Or well ako, hindi ako ganon. Hindi ako na-excite.

[I felt like that it was more exciting when you’re not married. When you’re married, sex is easily there. Before, I was more excited to do it. It was exhilarating for me. My heartbeat went fast, knowing that we were going to do it. But when you’re married– you’re not, well, I’m not like that. I don’t get excited anymore.]

Becoming mothers and taking on the responsibilities of rearing young children compounded to this sentiment, curbing their desires to have sex. Hence, sexual pleasure for them became trivial. Bodily sensations that gave them arousal as girlfriends were replaced by fatigue and exhaustion as they play on the role of mothers and caregivers to their children. Chay, a 39 year old mother of three, recounted:

At that time, okay lang sakin kahit wala. Kasi pagod ka na, dami mo pang iniisip. Kaya parang hindi mo na talaga hahanapin.

[At that time, it was okay for me if there wasn’t any. I was already tired, and I’m thinking about a lot of things. So I wasn’t missing it.]

Fae, who has a one year old baby, said:

Well, when I had children. So, my drive in general is like not there and na-iinterrupt because of the children. So, we don’t get it during the day because they’re always there awake. In the middle of the night naman, I’m not on the mood because it’s another reason to wake up. When you’re already waking up to feed them, when they are crying. I think it’s just physically, I’m not there. To be a mom, it’s just the pagod, I think. It seems like an extra thing to do on top of things that you already have to do and think about. It’s not a priority.

[Well, when I had children. My drive in general wasn’t there and sex kept getting interrupted because of the children. We don’t do it during the day because they’re always awake. In the middle of the night, I wasn’t in the mood because it became another reason to wake up. When you’re already waking up to feed the kids, when they are crying– having sex feels I’m not there with my husband anymore. Being a mother, it’s just the fatigue. Sex seemed like an extra thing to do on top of the things that you already have to do and think about. It’s not a priority anymore.]

Aside from being depleted of energy from taking care of the children, they also started to see their bodies as functional, a means to serve sustenance to their children, thus making it difficult for them to experience their bodies as sexual and pleasurable. Chay, who also has an infant, recounted how her body stopped her from enjoying sex with her husband:

I see my body as functional. You know, how can be my breast be sexual? When every 3 hours I use it to feed children…Parang weird. Parang I use it to feed kids and then we’re doing that.

[I just saw my body as functional. You know, how can my breasts be sexual? I use them to feed the children every three hours. It just feels weird that it’s still sexual. I use them to feed the kids, and then we’re also using them for sex.]

Moreover, the fear of becoming pregnant added to their reluctance to have sex with their husbands. Going through the drastic changes that their bodies went through during pregnancy was something that they did not want to endure again. This hindered them to fully enjoy their bodies during sexual encounters with their husbands. Tricia, a mother of one, stated:

It’s less pleasurable kasi… I’m anxious kasi I don’t wanna be pregnant…I don’t want to go through that again, I’m still recovering…Parang in that moment I don’t wanna be anxious in that also.so huwag na lang.

[Sex became less pleasurable. I became anxious because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I didn’t want to go through pregnancy again, I was still recovering. I didn’t want to feel anxious during sex, so I just won’t have sex anymore.]

Moreso, having the cultural ideal to be “a good Filipino mother” created great dissonance with how they see themselves as mothers and how they perceive their sexual selves.Angie, a mother to a teenager stated:

Of course, you have to be a good mother. To take care of the kids, make sure the kids are this and that. Kahit nga breastfeeding eh. You have so much pressure from everything that, hello, how can you even think about sex?

[Of course, you have to be a good mother. You have to take care of the kids, make sure the kids are this and that. Even with just breastfeeding –you have to be good at it. You get so much pressure from everyone and everything. At that point, how can you even think about sex?]

Hence, the women felt that being sexual is not a priority of a “good Filipino mother” even feeling shameful about their sexual selves. This notion, in turn, affected how they related to their husbands sexually in which the curiosity to explore each other that was once there as girlfriends has turned into feelings of embarrassment and self-consciousness. Sandy recalled:

Parang masyadong naging mother ako sa kanya. Dati kilala lahat yung porn –dati we talk about it openly. Ngayon parang nahihiya na rin ako. I don’t know. Siguro sa pagiging-ina. Na hindi ka na dapat maging ganon.

[I became too much of a mother from his point of view. Before, I knew all those people in porn –we used to talk about porn openly. But now, I feel embarrassed about it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because when you’re a mother, you shouldn’t be like that anymore.]

Engaging in sex primarily for the husbands (as wives)

This did not mean that the women completely avoided having sexual relations with their husbands. In fact, at this phase, their husbands were the priority. As wives, they recognized that they have duties to their husbands. These duties were brought about by their cultural ideals of a “good Filipino wife” –someone who is submissive to her husband. This submission is encompassing. It does not only imply obedience in household and mothering duties but also in her sexual obligations as a wife. However, it is also at this time that their sexual pleasure was neglected and resorting to fake orgasms were pronounced. Hence, their bodies became vessels for their husband’s pleasure but not necessarily for theirs.

Giving in to unwanted sex

Hence, a number of them turned to sexual compliance or giving in to unwanted sex to be able to fulfill this duty, without putting focus on their sexual pleasure. For Andrea, married 8 years:

May times talaga…kapag kailangan mo mag give in kasi gusto niya, kahit I’m not in the mood, feeling ko nagamit ako…pero kailangan mo pa rin mag give-in. So hindi siya masaya.

[There are really times when I have to give in to what he wants, even though I’m not in the mood. In the end, I feel used. But I still have to give in to him. Sex wasn’t enjoyable anymore.]

Tony also recalled having doubts and negative feelings towards sex:

And inisip ko, I’ll do it for him, but it wasn’t necessarily pleasurable for me…Minsan iniisip ko na, “Tama ba ‘to na ayoko siya pero gagawin ko siya?” Jinujustify ko siya in my head.

[I tell myself, I’ll do it for him, even if it isn’t necessarily pleasurable for me. But I also ask myself, “is this okay?” I don’t like to have sex but I’m still doing it. I keep weighing things in my head.]

Denise, also married for 8 years, recounted:

There were times when I need to force myself to do it. Kasi feeling ko if I don’t he will take it against me? Kapag ganun, walang pleasure dun talaga. Parang kailangan ko pa mag-fake para lang matapos na.

[There were times when I needed to force myself to have sex. I felt that if I don’t have sex with him, he would take it against me. And when it’s like that, it’s not pleasurable at all. I felt like I needed to fake an orgasm just for the sex to end.]

Getting “pleasure” by giving pleasure

Some women had a more positive view of fulfilling this said duty. For them, knowing that their husbands were sexually satisfied because of them is enough for them to feel pleasure. Though this is still rooted in the cultural ideal that “a good Filipino wife” should serve her husband, these women were able to find pleasure in knowing that they were efficacious wives. Kris, married for 3 years recalled instances where she felt giving in was pleasurable:

There was a time that he was extra frisky and he asked me to do things for him, na kahit I wasn’t in the mood, go lang…After that he always wanted to do that like probably cum on someone’s face and during sex I feel like I’m a giver so as long as I see him pleasured, I’m pleasured as well…

[There was a time when he was extra-frisky and he asked me to do things for him. Even if I wasn’t in the mood, I went along with it. After that happened, he always wanted to do naughty things– like cum on my face. I feel I’m a giver during sex, so as long as I see him pleasured, I’m pleasured as well.]

Nevertheless, problems in their respective marriages seemed to hit the women during this time. Different issues came up for these women that resulted in a rift between their husbands and them. This put their marriage at risk and the women to the test.

For Myla, she and her husband had to beg each other for different things in their marriages:

Yeah at that point, it was like “just help me”. But it would be in my mind playing all the time “Argh, he doesn’t help me I’m so tired. So hard…”. And that would go against me wanting to have sex with him…Yeah, so at one point he was already begging me. It was not a good time.

[At that point, he was asking me to just help him. But in my mind, I keep thinking, “he’s not helping me, I’m so tired, this is so hard.” The thought of this happening would go against me wanting to have sex with him. But at one point he was already begging me. That was not a good time.]

Reawakening of one’s sexual self (as sexual women)

Quite compelling is how these women reacted to this predicament by moving away from the cultural ideals of a “good Filipino wife” and a “good Filipino mother.” At this time, the women turned towards herself and her needs, particularly focusing on how her body makes her feel. Taking care of themselves and their bodies led the women to rediscover their sexual selves that were deprioritized when they identified as mothers and as wives. Most of the women felt that there was an inexplicable energy inside of them that got awakened, making them act more sexually assertive towards their husbands. They described it as being able to assure themselves that they still got what it takes to be sexually attractive and agentic.

Myla went on to talk about becoming sexual again:

I had to reignite the sexual person in me. Yung parang seductress…ung feeling mo kirida ka… un ung nangaakit side unti unting lumabas. But it’s not necessarily for him ha. It was more for myself. Yung I can be sexual again.

[I had to reignite the sexual person in me. I had to become a seductress, a mistress. And with this, the seductive side of me slowly emerged. But this sexiness wasn’t necessarily for him. It was more for myself. I wanted to prove that I can be sexual again.]

Tricia explaining her process of rediscovery:

I’ll describe it as a mixture of feelings. Parang ang daming issues and there was a point na pag naiisip ko yun na, “Oh I think I almost lost him there.” Tapos nag click lang binalikan ko ung sarili ko, and checked how I was really feeling. At one point, I felt like I lost myself. So I started doing things for myself…go to the salon, feel good about myself. Tapos I noticed that I started initiating sex more. Hindi ko nga alam, sabi ko, “ang sick ko ba?” Ewan ko, sobrang ako natra-transform and na-o-on siya bigla.

[I’ll describe it as a mixture of feelings. There were a lot of issues and there was a point where I started thinking, “Oh, I think I almost lost him there.” Then I felt something click, and I went back to myself, and checked how I was really feeling. At one point, I felt like I lost myself. So I started doing things for myself– I went to the salon, and I felt good about myself. Then, I started to notice that I was initiating sex more. I even asked myself, “am I sick in the head?” I don’t know, I become very different and suddenly the sexy side of me gets really turned on.]

Charisse, who recalled not having sex with her husband for almost a year stated:

I can’t really pinpoint kung anong nangyari. I think it was the time that I definitely know that someone was flirting with him…of course, lumabas na ung sungay ko. It wasn’t fear, I think. It was more of reclaiming what’s mine. At first I said, if he can flirt, I can flirt too. That’s when I found out na “okay kaya ko pa pala.” Then I channeled that energy towards him.

[I can’t really pinpoint when it happened. I think it was the time when I found out that someone was flirting with him. The devil in me emerged. It wasn’t out of fear, I think. It was more of reclaiming what’s mine. At first I told myself, “If he can flirt, well, I can flirt too.” That’s when I found out that I could also do that too. And then I channeled that energy towards him.]

On the same note, Lily, described her process as:

I think my process was gradual, and came out of pity. Naaawa na ako sa kaniya kasi he was begging, begging talaga. So we would have casual sex once a week…there was a time that my coworker started noticing me…casual office flirting. Tapos I felt like, ang hot ko. Like, “oh wow, he likes me.” Then I noticed that I started enjoying it…sex with my husband.

[I think my process was gradual, and came out of pity. I pitied him because he was begging, really begging, for us to have sex. So we would have casual sex once a week. Then came a time when my coworker started noticing me– just casual office flirting. And I felt hot, and I thought, “Oh wow, he likes me.” Then I noticed I started enjoying having sex with my husband again.]

Owning one’s sexual desire and pleasure (as sluts)

As their sexual selves evolved, exploration of their new sexual bodies after childbirth fueled them to be more curious about their sexual desires and needs. They start seeing themselves as attractive, sexually desirable women, embracing their bodies in a new light. They embraced their new found selves by identifying as sluts and giving new meaning to a culturally stigmatized word. For these women, owning their sexual selves through being sluts gave them a sense of freedom from the “good Filipino women” ideals that was imposed on them by the society that took away their power as sexual women.

Mira saw herself in a different light after going through her sexual reawakening:

You know how it felt like? It felt like I was a slut. Yung parang pokpok but in a good way. It’s like this is my body and I know how to make it feel good and it feels great to own that. That this is what I want and this is what I have to get….yung parang ako naman.

[You know how it felt like? It felt like I was a slut. Like a whore, but in a good way. I felt like– this is my body and I know how to make it feel good and it feels great to own that. That is what I want and this is what I have to get. Like, it’s my turn now.]

In this process, the women also learned more about what they want in their sexual relationships to experience the pleasure that they felt they deserved. Sexual pleasure for these women now became a priority. This priority is manifested through how the women relate with their husbands as sluts. At this phase, the husbands play an active and contributory part in giving her pleasure, making her feel the capacity to hold power over him. Christa, stated how she felt after unleashing that sexual part of her:

I feel wanted again. I feel I have the power to have power over him again. And it’s more on empowering. At tsaka, Yung pleasure ko na possible–which I can also get from myself. Pag orgasm ang pinapag-usapan, napaka dali noon eh. Pero gusto ko maramdaman na gusto mo ako and you can give it to me.

[I feel wanted again. I feel I have the power to have power over him again. And that’s empowering. And also, that pleasure is possible –which I can also get from myself. When you talk about orgasm, that’s just easy. But what I want is the feeling that you want me and that you can give that pleasure to me.]

Similarly, Erika talked about her plans for the exploration:

Like little by little, I’ve noticed that there’s nothing really wrong with being a sexual person. And so now, I’m letting it go…I’m more curious about it.

[Little by little, I noticed that there’s nothing really wrong with being a sexual person. So now, I’m letting go– I’m more curious about it.]

Having pleasurable sex for the communion (as renewed women)

Having been liberated from the restrictive cultural ideals of a “good Filipino woman,” the women began to integrate her different identities and transform into a woman ready to share her renewed self with her husband. This integration of her bodily experiences, her cultural ideals, and her relationship with her husband empowers her to exhibit her sexual agency as a renewed woman. At this phase, her agency, her body and her husband are all seen as important in her experience of sexual pleasure. Tricia narrated how she felt whole with herself because of this process:

It feels like you’re not hati-hati anymore…like ito ung graduation mo bilang babae…na parang it’s a new you…new me. Pwede pala yun. tapos that pleasure you share with your husband and it’s reassuring as a woman…this is me.

[It feels like we’re not doing our parts anymore. That, this is my initiation as a woman. I became a new version of myself. The realization that this transformation is possible, and that I can share pleasure with my husband, it’s reassuring as a woman. This is who I am now.]

More so, as their husbands learned different ways to satisfy her and ensure her pleasure in the sexual activity, their marriages started to take a turn for the better. Seeing the value of sharing sexual pleasure, not just as a physical activity, but also an emotional, mental, and spiritual act, helped nourish their marriages and their commitment towards each other. Kris, talked about how the process is empowering for her:

Empowering siya as a woman in the sense na a part of me, nava-validate ko yung sarili ko na in terms of pagkukulang. Sometimes when he expresses frustration kasi before, it felt like shortcoming siya. So, ngayon ano na ako, not that I’m doing my part, pero parang I want it. Parang I’m there…I’m fully there, without thinking of kids, or like nagkakasala ba ko, or obligasyon ko ba to sa asawa ko… And nakakatuwa din kasi feeling ko yung connection namin is stronger now. And ayun, siguro na-rediscover ko rin siya. Like yung desire ko for him na I thought parang wala na siya for a time.

[As a woman, it’s empowering in the sense that I am able to validate myself in terms of shortcomings. Before, when he expressed frustration, it felt like it was my fault. But now, it’s not that I’m doing my part now though, it’s that I’m doing it because I want to do it. I put myself in the moment and become more mindful. I don’t start thinking of the kids, or if I’m committing a sin, or if this is just my obligation to my husband. It is gratifying because I feel our connection is much stronger now. And maybe I also rediscovered him. I rediscovered my desire for him– for a time I thought that was gone already.]

Beth, married for 12 years, also talked about how pleasurable sex makes their marriage strong:

I feel like if my husband and I are both happy and we’re good with sex, then family life is good. Like we’ll be able to – weather any storm it just makes it a lot more bearable. Like it’s okay, I got myself, I got him, my husband, and we’re okay.

[I feel that if my husband and I are both happy and we’re good with sex, then family life is good. With this, we’ll be able to weather any storm, and it just makes life a lot more bearable. I feel confident – it’s okay, I got myself, I got him, my husband, and we’re okay.]

Relational model of sexual pleasure

The experience of sexual pleasure for the renewed women does not end in knowing that they are in communion with their husbands and their marriages are consistently nourished. It is in actuality, only the start of being able to constantly experience sexual pleasure in her life. As renewed women, unencumbered by the pressures of the religious culture surrounding them, the women proceeded to openly talk about how they experience sexual pleasure in specific sexual encounters. At this point, the women were unabashed about their sexual selves –uninfluenced by the stigma and expectations that the society has imposed on them. This gave rise to the relational model of pleasure. This model focuses on different aspects of sexual pleasure and how they are brought about the relationship between the husband and the wife. This model consists of eight processes: being “connected” in the relationship, experiencing “laglag panty moments,” feeling wanted and desired, letting go of inhibitions, savoring slow, sensual love making, having fun with rough sex, avoiding dryness and exhaustion/dealing with discomfort, reaching orgasm for both partners.

These processes are further categorized into three: first is their interpersonal motivations, which pertain to their relationship with their husbands; second is their emotional and psychological disposition, which determines their state of mind and the kind of sexual encounter that they want at that moment; and third, is their physiological needs, which involve the bodily sensations that they go through in the sexual encounter – all necessary for the sexual encounter to be conducive to the renewed women’s sexual pleasure.

Interpersonal motivations

Being “connected” in the relationship

The most important aspect for the renewed women that serve as one of their motivations to experience sexual pleasure is their relationship with their husbands. Feeling connected and seeing each other eye-to-eye is a must for these women to want to feel sexual with their husbands. Tana relayed her sentiment:

Pinaka-importante for me is definitely the relational aspect. Yung quality ng connection namin at a certain point in time. Parang, we have to be in a place where magkasundo kami. I think that’s the most important part. Kasi definitely nung may disconnect kami, like we weren’t seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, it was hard to even get turned on.

[The most important for me is definitely the relational aspect, the quality of our connection at a certain point in time. We have to be in a place where we are okay. I think that’s the most important part. Before, when we had a disconnection, when we weren’t seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, it was hard to even get turned on for sex.]

A relationship that is harmonious, where both partners are attuned to each other provides a safe space for them to engage with each other more intimately. This unveils the value of having a stable and secure relationship for the women to fully experience the subsequent events that are requisites to have a sexually pleasurable encounter.

Experiencing “laglag panty moments” [panties dropping moments]

Through this connection the women experience indulgences from their husbands that turn them on sexually. These instances were described as maka-laglag panty.

Noelle, as if fantasizing the moment, spoke about how her husband turns her on when he does the dishes:

Oh my, makalaglag panty when he does the dishes! Feeling ko.he knows that there’s a high chance that he will get some tonight. For me, it’s his own way of helping out. If he can’t help with the kids, sa house na lang.

[Oh my! My panties fall when I see him doing the dishes. I feel that he knows that there’s a high chance that he will get sex when he does the dishes. For me, it’s his way of helping me out. That if he can’t help taking care of the kids, he will help out with the chores.]

Tony also recounted how her husband’s mood and how he makes her feel appreciated are signals for her to be turned on:

Oo…when he’s pleasant to talk to, that’s for one. Kasi mainitin yung ulo niya, so pag hindi siya ganon. Also, dahil sa lahat ng hirap ko, I felt like I owed it to myself, so kapag pinapakita niya sakin na I deserve it…kunyari, ung pinakamahal sa menu, yan. Or pag may gusto akong bilhin, yan and he buys it for me, yan! Mas nag-oopen up ako sa kaniya literally and figuratively.

[Yes, when he’s pleasant to talk to. He’s temperamental, so when he is in a good mood, that’s great. Also, because of all of my struggles, I felt like I owed myself some rewards. When he shows me that I deserve something nice, like the most expensive item on the menu, or if I want to buy something and he buys it for me instead, I feel valued. I open up to him more, literally and figuratively.]

Myla, whose husband is constantly at work, managing their family business, stated:

Like when he’s doing something with the kids, I just want to pull him out and bring him back to the room. The more I see him there immersed in the family life, the more I get turned on talaga…coz he’s always on his phone and I hate that and he knows that. So when he makes an extra effort to not be on his phone that for me is sexy.

[When he’s doing something with the kids, I just want to pull him away and bring him back to the bedroom. The more I see him there immersed in family life, the more I get really turned on. He’s always on his phone and I hate that and he knows that. So when he makes an extra effort to not be on his phone– that, for me, is sexy.]

To add to this, most of the women also expressed how they get turned on when their husbands are pursuing their passions. Angie stated:

Laglag panty moment ko when I see him in his element. When I watch him excel at work or whatever he’s passionate about –kahit hindi ko naman naiintindihan! Pero knowing that something drives him, it tickles me inside!

[When I see him in his element, that’s the moment when I feel like my panties are taking themselves off for him. When I watch him excel at work or whatever he’s passionate about –even if I don’t understand it, my panties fall off! Knowing that something drives him, it tickles me inside!]

This presents a picture of what sexually attracts the women towards their husbands. Interestingly, it shows that the husbands’ non-sexual behaviors are crucial in paving the way for the women to be sexually aroused. Actions that speak of giving something to the women, the marriage, and the family are the women’s most common “laglag panty moments” [panties falling moments] suggesting that husbands play a consequential part in a woman’s experience of pleasure.

Emotional and psychological disposition

Feeling wanted and desired

The second condition necessary for the renewed women to experience sexual pleasure is their emotional and psychological disposition. The “laglag panty moments” translates to them feeling physically lustful and becoming sexually aroused. Their husbands then would take this as an opportunity to intensify the women’s arousal by making them feel wanted and desired. These “laglag panty” [falling panties] moments then progress into “tanggal panty” [removing panties] scenarios.

Anna described this as:

Alam mo yung parang gustong gusto ka niya? Tapos ang ganda-ganda mo. Hahawakan ka niya where you want it and all over.

[There are times when you feel like he really, really, wants you. You’re feeling gorgeous. He touches you where you want it, and you want him to touch you all over.]

Similarly, Sandy described her husband’s desire of her as arousing:

Pagiging wanted, yun–doon parin ako bumabalik sa pagiging gusto ko at parang gusto ko rin yung magigil din, gusto ko yung gigil…Ung siya pa ung magtatanggal ng panty mo…ganung gigil.

[Being wanted –it still comes back to this. Knowing that I am wanted makes me want to feel the same thing, that same sense of overwhelming urgency. That feeling of desire that makes him pull off my panties, that kind of feeling.]

Through feeling wanted, the women get to be validated of their husbands’ desire for them. To be desired assures them that they are still beautiful and attractive women, increasing how they see themselves and their bodies positively.

Letting go of inhibitions

From there, the women talked about putting their defenses down in the process of being vulnerable and unashamed in the sexual encounter. The opportunity of being completely emotionally naked and revealing themselves to their partners within a situation of complete trust and acceptance is liberating for the women. This is evident in Ging’s recollection:

Pag sinabi niyang let’s do this…whatever he feels like doing. Go ako jan…Kumbaga, wala nang inhibitions…sumusunod lang ako sa kaniya…nakakaliberate din actually kasi go ka lang ng go, wala ka nang ibang iniisip…

[When he tells me, “let’s do this.”, when he feels like doing something, I go along with it. There will be no inhibitions; I just do what he wants. It’s actually liberating because you just keep going, and you don’t think of anything else.]

For Denise:

Hindi ka nacoconcious on your part na kung ano man…Kahit pawis na pawis ka pa, keri lang. Wala nang hiya hiya…yung alam mong tanggap ka niya no matter what.

[On your part, you don’t get self-consious anymore. Even if you’re sweating heavily, it’s fine. You don’t get embarassed anymore, knowing that he accepts you no matter what.]

The ability to be free of self-consciousness shows how the women see their relationships as a safe and non-judgmental space. In this space they give themselves permission to experience pleasure and enjoy the sexual encounter as completely as possible. The emotional capacity of being authentic to their partners was seen as an act of unconditional acceptance. As such, they also get to voice out the kind of sexual encounter that they want to have at that given moment: either slow and sensual, or rough and wild. Being able to express their sexual needs is key for the women to be assured that they will experience what they want, when they want it.

Savoring slow, sensual love making

The mood of the women in this phase would determine the kind of sexual encounter they want to have. For some of them like Fae, an intimate sensual love making gives her optimal pleasure:

Yun. All over, I guess. Pero feeling ko I felt connected kasi siguro we were holding hands…So, it’s like as much contact as we have with each other as we could have with each other. That’s what I like. I just like the feeling of connectedness and the slowness.

[I would feel it all over. But I think I felt connected because we were holding hands. So, it’s like as much contact as we have with each other as we could have with each other. That’s what I like. I just like the feeling of connectedness and the slowness.]

Having fun with rough sex

For most of them, however, the ideal fantasy and sexual scenario for their optimal sexual pleasure entails being manhandled and playing out rape fantasies.

Tana described her fantasy:

Ano, I want to play out rough sex in the sense na kunwari ayoko. Yung ganon, ip-play out mo yung ganon scenario.

[I want to play out rough sex in the sense that I’ll pretend I don’t want to have sex but I’m being forced to. I would like to play out that sort of scenario.]

Andrea talked about how she was able to tell her husband her love for rough sex:

Most pleasurable…rough sex. So when I taught him how to like pull my hair and let’s say hold my neck for example, this is hard vs. this is too hard, like I’m really choking and when he got it, that was like ‘yun yon!

[The most pleasurable is rough sex. I taught my husband how to pull my hair, and hold my neck tight in just the right way –for example, this is hard –this is too hard –and then I started really choking, that’s when he learned how to do it.]

Regardless of the type of sexual encounter, their pleasure is obtained when their partners give them what they lust for without reservations. Through expression of their desires, they are reassured that they are being listened to and what they want actually matter. In this regard, their husbands should also have the facility to see them beyond their identities as “good Filipino mothers” and as “good Filipino wives” and also be able to see them as sluts or sexual women. Furthermore, the versatility of the sexual encounters help these women feel excited for exploration and new experiences and at the same time be secure that they can always go back to what feels safe and comfortable for them.

Physiological needs

Avoiding dryness and exhaustion/dealing with discomfort

The third condition essential for the renewed women to experience pleasure in their sexual escapades covers the sensations that they feel in their bodies. Their experience of sexual pleasure does not necessarily entail absence of pain, but more considers how they deal with the discomfort of getting dry and exhausted during the sexual encounter. The women were expressive on how the duration of the actual sexual encounter could affect their pleasure. Carla, talked about how her husband keeps their intercourse short to avoid her getting dry and impatient:

So pag nagsex kami, mabilis na lang din sya. So iwas na hindi rin ako natutuyuan. Di ba pag 10 minutes na kayong naggaganun tapos wala pa, "tapos na ba?"

[When he have sex, we do it fast. He doesn’t want me to dry up. If you go at it for 10 minutes already, and nothing is still happening– “are we done already?”]

Ging talked about wanting to lessen the duration of their intercourse to refrain from pain:

Mga 30 minutes lang. Ideal for me kasi also, un ung time na hindi rin painful for my body… So I have to tell him that. At narerealize naman niya pag sinabi ko sa kaniya oy, mahapdi na masakit na. Then he will try to lubricate me again.

[About 30 minutes. That is ideal for me, because that’s the only time that it doesn’t become too painful for my body. So I have to tell him that. He realizes this when I tell him, “hey, it’s stinging already, it’s hurting already –and then he will try to get me wet again.]

Through being in touch with their bodies, the women are able to be conscious of their own discomforts and are also able to express them for their husbands to acknowledge and help alleviate. At this point, the women are again validated that they are in a safe space where their wants, needs, and even discomforts are being addressed. This shows that the women have the faculty to demonstrate a deep sense of trust, respect, and security in their relationships.

Reaching orgasm for both partners

The renewed women’s culmination of the experience of sexual pleasure in a given encounter is the occurrence of orgasms –for both them and their husbands. By knowing that both partners enjoy the encounter, the focus becomes living in a shared and common experience, enhanced by each moment of being sexually responsive to one another. Ging emphasized how being both in sync and experiencing pleasure is important in the sexual encounter:

I think when it becomes relational, it becomes more of the connection. I can’t explain. But you know how sometimes you have sex and you’re just like sana nag-masturbate nalang kayo ‘cause there’s no rhythm, basta for me it’s important yung rhythm where you kinda get lost in the motion of sex, may ganun eh parang you’re in a trance, and you both orgasm. Kahit hindi sabay and even if it’s not like big orgasm. If I felt that motion, that rhythm, that trance that ends in us both pleasured. That for me is important.

[I think when it becomes relational, it becomes more of the connection. I can’t explain. But you know how sometimes you have sex and you’re just wishing that you should have just masturbated instead, because there’s no rhythm, and for me, rhythm is important. You get lost in the motion of sex, you fall into a trance, and you both orgasm. It’s okay even if you don’t orgasm at the same time, and even if it’s not a big orgasm. If I feel that motion, that rhythm, that trance that ends in us both pleasured –that for me is important.]

Sandy, reiterated the importance of reaching orgasm for both partners:

Parang, ang lungkot naman pag wala…Kasi pag magasawa na kayo hindi naman yung pleasure mo lang nag matter, pati yung pleasure din niya. Parang hindi lang buo yung experience kung isa lang ang nagcucum. You don’t come full circle. Kapag pareho kayo natapos, hindi ka mamamatay. Nabubuhay kayo ulit! (laughs)

[It’s sad when it doesn’t happen. Because when you are married, it’s not just your pleasure that matters, but also his as well. The experience is not complete if only one of you cums. You don’t come full circle. If both of you orgasm, you won’t die! You both live again! (laughs)]

Erika, beautifully encapsulated how she feels at the moment:

When you both cum, it doesn’t matter if it’s at the same time or not, but it’s at that moment that you can feel the person inside you being with you as one. It’s a loss of boundaries, but you still know that he’s him and you’re you…like the awareness that you’re separate…but you’re one.

[When you both cum, it doesn’t matter if it’s at the same time or not, but it’s at that moment when you can feel the person inside you being with you as one. It’s a loss of boundaries, but you still know that he’s him and you’re you…like the awareness that you’re separate…but you’re one.]

This sense of existence and being completely absorbed in the moment seems to be one of the most crucial features of sexual pleasure. The experience of going through an orgasm together, may it be simultaneous or separately, gives these women a feeling of being connected to their partners and coming full circle. This connection allows them to be in a trance-like state where they are utterly absorbed in the moment with a person that they are sharing themselves and their lives with, completely immersed in one another.

Discussion

The narratives of the women about their experiences of sexual pleasure start with how they were able to merge their cultural values with the discovery of feeling good through exploration of their bodies and their sexual selves. According to them, restrictive Catholic ideals on sex and pleasure did not hinder them from exploring their sexualities. This enabled them to continue on to stories of discovering their sexual agencies as girlfriends through reframing these cultural ideals to their advantage. This is aligned with findings on how young Filipino women construct their sexual agencies through seeing sexual relations with their boyfriends as a demonstration of their love for each other (Delgado-Infante & Ofreneo, 2014). This also enables them to view engaging in sex before marriage as a source of excitement and pleasure. Moreover, at this phase, they also move forward from exploration of their bodies by themselves to discovering how their bodies respond sexually with another partner. However, this takes a different turn as the women get married and become mothers. The women undergo a radical transformation of their bodies as they bear children. At this time, they find their bodies to serve a more functional purpose, intended to provide for their children. This is exacerbated as they take on their new roles as caregivers, where fatigue and exhaustion take over their bodies. Thus, they have less time and energy to expend for their sexual relations with their husbands and their sexual pleasure becomes elusive. It is also as mothers where we see the women first explicitly manifest the Filipino culture’s ideals of a “good Filipino woman.” This can be ascribed to the Catholic’s Mother Mary. Like Mary, the good Filipino mother is expected to be kind, caring, pious, and self-sacrificing –one who puts God’s will and others before her own needs (Soriano et al., 2015). In this case, the woman puts her children first, above all others. The women’s lack of sexual pleasure gets magnified when the women recourse to sexual compliance to fulfill their duties as wives. It is in this process that the women exemplify their notion of being a “good Filipina wife,” capable of bearing physical and emotional responsibilities in the household and in the marriage, including becoming submissive to their husband’s sexual desires and subscribing to gendered-ideologies brought about by the society (Aguiling-Dalisay et al., 1995; Leyson, 2004). Both processes hold true for all women in the study, including those who have not experienced sexual pleasure.

These processes could be attributed to the manifestation of an internalized Catholic belief: the Madonna-Whore dichotomy (Welldon, 1988). The Madonna-Whore dichotomy exhibits the polarization of women into either “good,” and chaste, just like the Madonna or the Virgin Mary, or as “bad,” promiscuous, seductive whores or sexual women (Bareket et al., 2018). More than being a wife to a man, the traditional view of a married woman is also emphasized by bearing children. This is represented as someone who will fulfill both her children’s and her husband’s domestic needs, resembling her husband’s mother, also known as the Madonna (Welldon, 1988). On the other hand, men also look for women with whom he can fulfill his sexual desires with, known as the whore (Landau et al., 2006). Hence, women face challenges in being viewed as both a sexually expressive woman (Whore) and a maternal committed being (Madonna). At the same time, men face challenges to reconcile these concepts that they can find paradoxical, creating cognitive dissonance (Welldon, 1988). These conflicting images hinder both the man and the woman to have an open and honest sexual relationship, thus curtailing their capacity to experience sexual pleasure.

Getting over this internalized cultural belief is a characteristic of women who have experienced sexual pleasure. Their sexual stories and experiences of pleasure take a turn for the better as they become agentic in their sexual journeys and see themselves as sexual women, void of the stigma and cultural shame that come with it. For these women, reclaiming their pleasure by feeling good about themselves and their bodies was imperative. This can be supported by studies which found that women who feel more positive about their bodies and themselves are more likely to experience higher sexual arousal, more frequent orgasms, and greater sexual pleasure (Woertman & Van den Brink, 2012). This positive outlook about themselves and their bodies could lead to these women putting more value to themselves as a sexual person and thus having higher sexual self-esteem (Firoozi et al., 2016). Higher levels of sexual self-esteem is believed to play a central role in a couple’s ability to enjoy their sexual relationships through being able to openly communicate their sexual desires with each other (Adedeji & Oyewole, 2012). Furthermore, by asserting what pleases them to their partners, the women ensure that their pleasure will be a priority in their sexual relationships (Haavio-Mannila & Kontula, 1997). Being sexually assertive could give rise to a new meaning of the word “slut” for these women. For them, being treated as sluts is not demeaning as usually culturally perceived. Instead, it is by the virtue of being treated as a slut that they get to find pleasure in their sexual encounters. This can be attributed to how women of high-status, such as those included in this study, were found to reconstitute the “slut” label to their advantage. For them, being a slut enables sexual experimentation, such as fulfilling their sexual fantasies with their husbands (Armstrong et al., 2014).

Through these processes, it can be seen that Filipino women have the ability to deviate from traditional gender expectations of an idealized “good Filipino woman”, in which women are seen subordinate to men. Filipino women have the faculty to push forth for a more equal stature in the marriage, at home, and in the sexual experience. It is in this egalitarian view of gender that these women get to see themselves in totality –not just as a mother nor just a wife nor just a sexual person, but as a renewed complete woman. Hence, they get to increase their sexual intimacy and pleasure with their partners by promoting a sense of fairness, cooperation and communication with each other and thus, strengthening their marriages (Carlson et al., 2016; 2016; Johnson et al., 2016).

The study was able to strengthen the notion that the experience of sexual pleasure is determined by a fusion of interpersonal and relational factors (Philippsohn & Hartmann, 2009), as well as sociocultural factors (Cruz & Caringal-Go, 2021). The theory constructed supports the existing multidimensional models of sexual pleasure wherein it puts utmost significance to enhanced sexual communication, heightened empathy, mutual respect, authentic acceptance and compatibility, and a sense of vulnerability and transcendence (Kleinplatz et al., 2013; Philippsohn & Hartmann, 2009). This study also strengthens the notion that a good sexual relationship that is focused on both the pleasure of the woman and the husband fortifies and strengthens the marriage (Meltzer et al., 2017). Aside from these, the study was also able to make new contributions to the otherwise limited research on female sexual pleasure by addressing the gaps on the understanding of how women view sexual pleasure from a sociocultural space. It negates the popular gender script that women do not initiate sexual relations for their own pleasure (Roces, 2009; Tan et al., 2001). Instead, it proposes that women who are able to assert themselves sexually for their pleasure are more inclined to have a more positive view of themselves and have a more sexually satisfying marriage. Moreover, the theory shows how the experience of sexual pleasure is contingent to how the husband relates to his wife as well as how the woman relates to herself as a sexual person. According to the model, it is crucial for the husband to be able to respond to the woman’s needs –need for emotional connection, need to be desired, and need to be pleasured to have a mutuality to the experience of sexual pleasure. There should also be a reciprocity of desire for both partners, to desire the other and be desired by the other, which is constructed from how a woman relates to herself as she recognizes her own need to be desired and to desire to achieve the pleasure she deserves.

Implications of the study

The models presented that women’s sexual pleasure is achieved through a play of interpersonal, psychological, and physiological factors experienced before, during, and after the sexual encounter. Therefore, it is crucial for sex therapists to pay attention to different aspects of a woman’s life when addressing issues in sexual pleasure. For one, learning how to masturbate is seen as vital for the women to know what will be pleasurable for them in a given sexual episode. This was not observed in the group of women who hadn’t experienced a pleasurable sexual encounter with their husbands. It is said that masturbation could not only help a person to learn about their own sexual response and pleasure, but it can also give them a sense of bodily integrity and autonomy that could improve their self-esteem, body image and sense of identity (Coleman, 2003; Shulman & Horne, 2003). In this regard, masturbation could be instrumental to having positive and pleasurable sexual experiences. As such, clinicians should look at the benefits of masturbation for women to learn more about their bodies and their preferences, and how it could improve their body image and self-esteem.

Another quite surprising result in this study is the concept that women’s fantasies and ideals for optimal sexual pleasure include fantasies of being coerced and having rough sexual encounters with their husbands within the context of a loving and trusting relationship. It is said that women who are found to be more open to sexual experiences have more frequent fantasies of being manhandled or to surrender sexually against her will (Bivona et al., 2012). In addition, having rough sex is said to be triggered by curiosity, exploration and a need for novelty (Burch & Salmon, 2019). However, for this to confer them with pleasure, it is crucial for the relationship to have been founded on mutual respect and genuine acceptance of one another, where both partners perceive the sexual relationship as a safe space for them to let go and be vulnerable. On the other hand, another plausible reason for wanting rough sex is to experience being manhandled to feel more “like women.” This reasoning seems to come from the gendered-ideals that men are strong and assertive in sex while women are passive and weak (Englander et al., 2012; Lauser, 2008; Roces, 2009). This suggests that even when women veer away from traditional gender stereotypes, these gender stereotypes and sexual scripts are still deeply embedded into the women’s ideals (Cruz, 2021). Hence, it is essential that a woman’s view of these gender stereotypes be examined when addressing their sexual issues.

In marital therapy, it is also important to address issues on sexual communication to help not just the women, but couples achieve sexually pleasurable encounters (Cruz & Caringal-Go, 2021). This includes creating a space for both partners to feel safe in discussing sexual concerns. For the women who have not experienced pleasure, it seems evident that they know how they could have a better sexual experience through communicating their desires, but, they are hindered by the thought that their husbands/partners may “not be ready for it.” This implies their subscription to the good woman image that the society has imposed on them (Englander et al., 2012). In studies on women’s sexual satisfaction, open communication between partners was found to be the most commonly discussed variable to achieve sexual pleasure (Meston & Trapnell, 2005). Hence, it might be helpful to address the women’s beliefs and ideals of themselves as sexual beings to help them be more open to their partners.

Also, it may also be necessary to discuss the husband’s role in providing a sexually pleasurable experience for their spouse. It is evident in the models that how the husband makes the wife feel valued and desired, how he responds to her needs are crucial in a woman’s experience of sexual pleasure. In this light, experiences of sexual compliance should be addressed in marital therapy. This could help the couple, especially husbands, understand that pressuring women to have unwanted sex could lead to bigger problems in the marriage (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2012). In addition, husbands can also be made to see how their wives may need non-sexual indulgences to feel desired and be sexually aroused. Hence, it is crucial for the husbands to know these non-sexual indulgences for their wives to be more receptive and even assertive in sexual encounters and for their marriage to be enriched with pleasurable sexual experiences.

Limitations and recommendations

The study has several limitations. First, the sample was focused on a small network of women and did not take in consideration other women with the similar characteristics who were outside of my reach. Second, data collection entailed interviews that are only at most two hours long and might not have been enough to flesh out the entirety of the women’s sexual stories. Third, negative cases were selected concurrently with data analysis and ended when theoretical saturation was met in the sample. More information could be gathered if negative cases were selected after complete analysis of the data. Furthermore, the theory proposes several processes that women go through to achieve sexual pleasure grounded on a specific sample of women. It is recommended that these processes and relationships be quantitatively tested for future researchers to be able to generalize these relationships to the population of Filipino women. In addition, variables such as the age of children, the women’s reproductive age and the husband’s role in the marriage may also be tested to see if they have an influence over the women’s achievement of sexual pleasure.

Conclusion

The stories of the Filipino women in this study show how they are able to achieve and give meaning to sexual pleasure despite facing religious and cultural expectations that conceal its importance. According to the theory, Filipino women’s sexual pleasure is tied to the different identities that she embodies as a woman. An integration of all these identities allow her to exhibit her sexual agency and continually experience sexual pleasure. It is through these identities that the women get to discover and experience their bodies in different aspects, merged with their cultural beliefs and how they are able to relate to the other in a sexual relationship. It is also through these identities that restrictive cultural influences are profoundly manifested and their experiences of sexual pleasure gets downplayed, particularly as they become a mother and a wife. The theory also presents the process in which the women demonstrate agency as sexual women to reclaim what was lost in their bodies and identities as women. By means of integrating their bodily experiences, their cultural ideals, and their multitude identities do they allow themselves to be sexually agentic and liberate themselves from the shackles of society’s expectations. Through this integration and liberation, they see themselves as renewed women, someone who puts her pleasure at the forefront, unaffected by the stigma that has surrounded her sexuality. The theory also shows the interpersonal, emotional, psychological and physiological processes that these women go through in their relationships with their husbands and themselves to have pleasurable sexual experiences as renewed women. It also depicts the vital role of a woman’s experience of sexual pleasure in determining the stability and strength of her marriage. It is through this pleasure that the women overcome issues of being burdened as a mother and being compliant as a wife and get to experience herself as a renewed woman –not confined within a specific gender ideal and free from religious and cultural restraints. It is also through the virtue of this pleasure that the women commit to sharing themselves with their husbands in a way where they both become completely entrenched in another, giving meaning to the famous religious saying “to become one flesh.”

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the authors.

Additional information

Notes on contributors

Rica Vina Cruz

Dr. Rica Cruz is a sex and relationships therapist, sex educator, and an independent sex researcher. Her expertise and research interest is focused on sexual pleasure, sex guilt, and other sexual behaviours grounded in culture. Her practice revolves around individuals and couples with sexual and relationship/marital issues. She has recently published a paper entitled, "The Role of Sex Guilt as a Mediating Variable in the Association of Relationship and Sexual Satisfaction: An Intersectional Approach" in Sexuality & Culture. As a sex therapist, researcher, educator, and lover, she opines that sexual ownership is sexier than sex.