Betrayal Trauma Anger: Clinical Implications for Therapeutic Treatment based on the Sexually Betrayed Partner’s Experience Related to Anger after Intimate Betrayal

Abstract

This article provides insight into the complex anger often following the discovery of broken trust and attachment in a relationship as a result of sexual betrayal. In the past, the helping profession viewed angry betrayed partners from a pathological lens. Through research and progression in the mental health field, betrayed partners are now viewed from a trauma lens as traumatized individuals, and a greater understanding exists of why partners will most likely experience complex anger after betrayal. This article aims to add to the existing literature on the topic of betrayal trauma and provide clinical considerations for assessment and treatment of those seeking therapeutic help to manage and reduce anger. 297 sexually betrayed partners participated in a Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey. Results revealed 83.5% of participants remain in the relationships with their betrayers. 39% of betrayed partners reported not being provided specific help to manage anger from their helping professional. 87% reported self-blame and 43% considered harming themselves. Results clearly indicate that betrayed partners are significantly impacted physiologically, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually, and they experience feelings of intense anger with 84% reporting their experienced anger is more intense than at any other time they experienced anger prior to discovering betrayal.

KEYWORDS:

• Betrayal
• trauma
• anger
• infidelity
• sex addiction
• affair

Introduction

Significant anger related problems co-occurring with posttraumatic stress symptoms are common with clients presenting to therapy after experiencing the crisis created by intimate partner betrayal (Aghamiri, Luetz, & Hills, 2022; Berke, Carney, & Lebowitz, 2022; Ceschi, Selosse, Nixon, Metcalf, & Forbes, 2020; Rachman, 2010; Steffens, 2005; Steffens & Means, 2009, 2021; Steffens & Rennie, 2006). Posttraumatic Stress Disorder criteria related to anger include emotional distress and physical reactivity after exposure to triggers, negative thoughts about self or others, negative affect, irritability or aggression, destructive behavior, and a heightened startle reaction (American Psychiatric Association, 2017; American Psychiatric Association, 2023). Posttraumatic anger has been seen as a “hinderance to the therapeutic process” as well as an “appropriate reaction to the harm done” to the betrayed (Berke et al., 2022). Whether the betrayal is a result from an isolated affair, secret pornography use, or chronic, secretive sexual betrayal identified as Sexual Addiction by Dr. Patrick Carnes (Carnes, 2001) or Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder by the International Classification of Disease, 11^th Revision (ICD-11) (WHO, 2023), the complex impact of intimate betrayal was evident in the presenting symptoms and behaviors, including complex anger reactions, of the betrayed partner (Carnes, 2020; Hentsch-Cowles & Brock, 2013; Spring, 2020; Tripodi, 2006). The complexity of anger displayed by betrayed partners has oftentimes been misunderstood by professional therapists, coaches, spiritual leaders and others in the helping profession. A standard of treatment provided for partners that identified them as a co-addict, codependent, or used pathological diagnostic approaches was a common practice in the mental health field (Carnes, 2001; Tripodi, 2006). Further and ongoing research conducted with betrayed partners revealed the presenting issues were identified as significant trauma symptomology from the impact of deception, sexual betrayal, broken trust, and broken attachment verses preexisting unresolved trauma, co-addiction, mental health issues, and personality disorders (Mays, 2023; Steffens & Means, 2009, 2021; Steffens & Rennie, 2006; Weiss, 2019).

Based on research and the experience of mental health professionals, the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM) was developed by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) in 2014 for treating the betrayed partner as a person who has been traumatized by the discovery of intimate betrayal and thus experiencing posttraumatic stress symptoms as a basis for treatment (APSATS.org). The MPTM model is adapted from Dr. Judith Herman’s Trauma Resolution model published in her 1992 book entitled, Trauma and Recovery. The APSATS organization created a certification process for the helping profession utilizing a three-phase model treatment plan, adapted from Herman’s model, consisting of Stabilization, Remembering and Mourning, and Reconnecting. In 2017, Dr. Robert Weiss created a model of treatment for betrayed partners called Prodependence that is grounded in attachment theory normalizing verses pathologizing the betrayed partner’s behaviors and the desire to stay attached to the betrayer despite the betrayal crisis (Weiss, 2019). The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) stopped offering a codependent based model of treatment for betrayed partners many years ago and also created a training program in 2019 based on a betrayal trauma framework to certify licensed therapists treating betrayed partners (IITAP.com). The Braving Hope treatment model created by Michelle Mays provides an attachment-based model addressing “normal” attachment-based reactions people have as a result of intimate betrayal (Mays, 2023). Based on the progression of research in therapeutic treatment for partners being intimately betrayed, Hollenbeck and Steffens support the trauma-based model of treatment that includes healing attachment wounds from betrayal as well as ongoing assessment of past and present mental health issues in the treatment planning process. Betrayed partners presenting to therapy, after discovering they have been deceived and sexually betrayed by a person they believed to be honest and faithful, are experiencing a significant amount of anger, whether expressed or repressed. The body of literature supporting trauma and attachment-based treatment approaches for betrayed partners continues to increase. However, the body of literature on the topic of Betrayal Trauma Anger is scarce (Berke et al., 2022). The purpose of this article is to inform the body of literature on the complexity of experienced anger as a result of the impact of intimate partner sexual betrayal trauma and to increase clinician therapeutic efficacy based on the Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey results.

Method

Participants and Procedures

Participants were anonymous volunteers who were at least 18 years of age and had experienced being betrayed by an intimate partner. Recruitment for participants was conducted by posting an invitation to take an online research survey entitled, “Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey” (Hollenbeck, 2023) on the researcher’s professional website, emailed directly to therapeutic clients who presented to therapy for help after discovering they had been betrayed by their intimate partner, and posted on professional list-serves and social media forums. All online forums consisted of state licensed therapists and certified life coaches who specialize in helping clients presenting with betrayal trauma symptoms to share the survey invitation with any clients they assessed to meet the criteria.

Recruitment information included informing participants the data gathered from the survey would be used to add to the body of literature on the topic of betrayal trauma anger and be included in a book on the topic of Betrayal Trauma Anger. There was no incentive offered for participation. Additional information in the introduction of the research survey included multiple recommendations for self-care should the survey produce negative thoughts and/or emotions. Prior to posting the survey and recruiting volunteer participants, the survey was approved by the Pearl International Review Board and determined to be classified as Exempt Research Status. Participants were informed of the IRB approval.

The Betrayal Trauma Anger questionnaire was created by the researchers using an online survey software program Survey Monkey. This article consists of unpublished raw data from the survey. Participants answered 52 multiple choice questions and provided quantitative data and qualitative data from the option to share and/or make comments related to their experience as a betrayed partner. The research questionnaire took approximately 35 minutes to complete, was open for thirteen days and received responses from 297 people. The majority of participants were female (n = 287). Nine identified as male, and one identified as non-binary. Ninety-eight percent identified as Heterosexual, five identified as Bisexual and two identified as Homosexual. The age range of respondents was between 25-74 with an additional two being between the age of 75-84, and 1 respondent being age 85 or older. Sixty-eight percent identified as Christians, 16.5% identified as Spiritual with no identified community, and the additional 15.5% identified as Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Agnostic, Mormon, Interfaith Jewish/Christian, Messianic, Pagan, Non-Religious, Deist, Deconstructing Christian, and Spiritual and part of a community of like-minded people.

The average age of betrayed partners the first time they discovered being betrayed was between 18-74 with the majority of discoveries being prior to age 55, although 11% were over the age of 55. The following chart provides the answer to Research Question 7 (RQ7), “How many people have you been in a relationship with who have betrayed you? (see Chart 1).

Relationships that ended as a result of betrayal that were not legal marriages consisted of 64 (21.55%) ending one relationship, 26 (8.75%) ending two, 18 (6.06%) ending three, two (.67%) ending four, two (.67%) ending five, and six (2.02%) ending more than five relationships due to a result of betrayal. Sixty-six survey respondents reported experiencing one divorce, 11 reported two divorces, and one reported three divorces as a result of betrayal. Two hundred and forty-eight or 83.5% of the 297 betrayed partners who responded to the survey are currently in a relationship with their betrayer.

Data analysis

The data collected was organized for percentage analysis by the survey software Survey Monkey. The raw data was organized automatically by the software program into charts, and the qualitative data from comments were organized and listed under each question. The researchers referred to data analysis from specific research survey questions relevant to this article. The researchers discussed the data collected with the purpose of identifying therapeutic clinical implications for increasing efficacy when helping betrayed partners address anger after experiencing betrayal.

Results

This research study consisted of 52 survey questions answered by participants who have had the experience of discovering they were betrayed by an intimate partner. Results from questions one through nine are related to demographical data and are provided in the “participants and procedures” previous section of this article. The researchers referred to data collected from research questions 15, 25, 29, 31-36, 39-41, 43-46, and 49 for the focus of this article. The purpose of exploring specific data collected from the survey was to inform helping professionals of partner’s experiences with anger after intimate betrayal in order to increase clinical awareness and efficacy when treating those experiencing betrayal trauma anger in the therapeutic healing process.

Research survey question results include participant answers to multiple choice questions. In regards to the data gathered from questions included in this article, all questions excluding research questions 29, 33, and 39 provided an option for participants to share additional comments related to the question. Due to the large amount of qualitative data gathered from those comments, they are not included in this article. Exceptions include research questions 31, and 44-46 due to an answer choice being “Not Listed (please specify)” or “My experience is not listed (please share your experience)”. For those questions, researchers will provide the total number of comments provided and an example of five random comments per question. Research questions that provided more than three answer options are listed in Charts 2–8 (Table 1).

Chart 1. Represents the number of relationships wherein participants experienced betrayal

Chart 2. Represents answers to research survey question 31.

Chart 3. Represents answers to research survey question 34.

Chart 4. Represents answers to research survey question 36.

Chart 5. Represents answers to research survey question 43.

Chart 6. Represents answers to research survey question 44.

Chart 7. Represents answers to research survey question 45.

Chart 8. Represents answers to research survey question 46.

RQ31: After discovering you were betrayed, did you experience feelings of intense anger?

My experience is not listed (Please share your experience). Seven respondents provided comments, below are five randomly chosen responses:

1. “Those feelings came much later after ongoing lies and deception post disclosure and treatment.”

2. “Yes, I did, but it did not come out in any predictable fashion. I could be alright for a week or more, but then I’d get triggered and the anger would well up and I’d be angry for a long time. Sometimes weeks at a time.”

3. “Yes, daily, I went through a phase of intense anger especially when he would be lying, objectifying other women, gaslighting me, rewriting our marriage.”

4. “I don’t see how anyone does not experience intense anger in such instances.”

5. “Anger yes…intense anger not really.”

RQ34: Please check any of the following you experienced as a result of repressing your anger.

RQ36: When experiencing betrayal trauma anger, did you feel like your anger was out of control at times?

RQ43: Please check all of the following betrayal triggers that have been a source of anger for you.

RQ44: Please check all that apply as to the negative results when you have experienced anger about the betrayal(s).

Not listed (Please specify). Sixty-six respondents provided comments, below are five randomly chosen responses:

1. “Cut myself.”

2. “My family minimized my anger and grief experience.”

3. “I hurt my shoulder when pounding the bed pillows.”

4. “Rushed into plastic surgery after an affair that was reckless.”

5. “Became distant with people.”

RQ45: Please check all that apply to your experience.

Not listed (Please specify). Seventy respondents provided comments, below are five randomly chosen responses:

1. “Anger is my response to injustice.”

2. “Anger was a way for me to survive for a long time. It was a way for me to avoid feeling the depth of pain, I didn’t know I would survive if I let myself truly go there.”

3. “Anger is my next resort to getting attention when I’m not heard.”

4. “Feeling angry is better than giving up.”

5. “Anger is my way of setting boundaries.”

RQ46: Please check all of the coping mechanisms that have helped you manage your anger in the context of betrayal.

Not listed (Please specify). Eighty-three respondents provided comments, below are five randomly chosen responses:

1. Sleep, dancing, praying, reading my Bible, spending time with friends or family.

2. My therapist suggested I throw eggs at a tree-this is amazingly calming. I sometimes write on the egg a word or emotion I’m feeling.

3. Spending time in prayer, with God and in reading the Bible.

4. Running up and down stairs as fast as I can, exercise bike as fast as I can – until my heart rate from exercising matches my heart rate from anger.

5. Hitting something, like my bed.

Discussion

Question 43 asked participants to check the betrayal triggers that had been a source of anger and results showed high percentage responses to all 14 examples of triggers. This indicates that betrayed partners can experience an anger response due to triggers in all areas of their life after discovering betrayal, causing constant suffering both psychologically and physiologically. The negative impact of anger when healing from betrayal trauma is clinically significant based on data gathered from research questions 25, 29, and 44. Eighty-seven percent reported blaming themselves for not knowing about the betrayal(s) and 43% report thoughts of harming themselves. Research question 44 reveals self-reported negative consequences significantly impacting the betrayed partner’s physiological, psychological, and behavior states and actions. Seventy-six percent of betrayed partners answered yes when asked, “After discovering you were betrayed, did you express your anger in a manner that was unusual for you such as swearing, yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc.?” Nine percent of partners reported feeling like their anger was out of control all the time and 42% responded yes to their anger feeling out of control some of the time. Forty seven percent of partners reported feeling negatively judged by others after expressing their anger. Research question 34 collected data related to experiencing negative outcomes from repressing anger. The results from this study indicate that whether a partner is expressing or repressing anger, their psychological, and physiological well-being as well as their behaviors are significantly impacted negatively as a result of betrayal trauma anger. Results from research question 32 show 84% of betrayed partners report experiencing anger that is more intense than at any other time they have been angry in the past revealing partners are feeling and experiencing anger in ways they had not prior to the impact of betrayal trauma. In a quantitative study of 900 betrayal narratives, results reveal lower anger promotes forgiveness and decreases a need for revenge (Lalot, 2023). These results warrant increased awareness for helping professionals of the clinical significance a betrayed partner may be experiencing when they seek help and the importance of asking anger specific related questions in the intake and assessment process.

Furthermore, evaluating the spiritual beliefs and support system of a betrayed partner is an effective way to comprehend the potential negative impact of betrayal trauma anger on their faith and faith community. This represents a significant therapeutic aspect for helping professionals to consider. When a betrayed partner shares information related to their spiritual faith, belief, and/or practice, oftentimes it is assumed to be a positive aspect of the healing process, when in reality, the harm caused by betrayal and broken trust may cause their spiritual beliefs and/or spiritual community to feel unsafe or negative in some way (Hodgson & Carey, 2017). Forty-six percent of betrayed partners reported they experienced feeling angry at God after discovering they were betrayed by their intimate partner. Faith can be a resource in the therapeutic process and attachment to God is a key element in promoting psychological change (Matei, 2021; Wilder, Fernando, & Johnson, 2020). Therefore, exploring how betrayal has impacted a partner’s faith and/or belief in God is an essential aspect of the healing process after betrayal.

This study revealed multiple techniques that participants found helpful for managing anger related to the impact of betrayal trauma. Results from research question 46 show that both aggressive and non-aggressive techniques were considered helpful. Breathing exercises followed by listening to music, journaling, calling a safe person, and walking away from the betrayer are reported as the most helpful. Participant comments also indicate sleep, dancing, prayer, and exercise are beneficial. These results indicate a best practice for helping professionals may be to encourage partners to explore multiple different techniques in order to manage anger, practice self-care, and regulate their emotions effectively. Data that reveals verbal and physical aggression being perceived to be helpful include yelling alone or at their betrayer, hitting their betrayer, breaking or destroying things, throwing an egg at a tree, and hitting something, like the bed. A betrayed partner’s perception that aggression is helpful indicates a need exists for helping professionals to provide nonviolent psychoeducation and resources for managing betrayal trauma related anger in an effort to reduce the risk of a betrayed partners harming themselves or someone else.

Research indicates that the most common cause of the end of a relationship is infidelity and that infidelity-based trauma includes feelings of extreme anger (Rokach & Chan, 2023). Although approximately 26% of participants experienced a divorce and an even higher number experienced a non-marriage relationship end as a result of betrayal, 80% percent of participants responded “yes” to research question 49, indicating that the betrayed partner believes the betrayer can “make things right” with the betrayed. Since 83.5% of the participants are currently in a relationship with their betrayer, researchers found this data to be significant for helping professionals. Assumptions could be made, based on this data, that betrayed partners want healing within the relationship after betrayal and have the belief that restoration is possible. Recognizing the importance of supporting this belief, a helping professional’s awareness of personal biases related to betrayal and providing ongoing support to the betrayed related to his or her relationship seems essential to offering effective treatment in the betrayal trauma healing process when helping the betrayed process anger effectively.

Sixty-six percent of betrayed partners answered yes when asked if they have felt stuck in their betrayal trauma anger. Thirty-nine percent of survey respondents answered “no” when asked if they were provided help by their coach, therapist, or spiritual leader to specifically manage betrayal trauma anger. The same percentage of respondents reported experiencing “intense anger” daily (RQ31, Chart 2). These results indicate the need for helping professionals to be aware of and prepared for incorporating anger specific related assessment and processing techniques in the therapeutic treatment process. Perhaps including anger management specific psychoeducation as a part of the treatment planning process and then intentional ongoing assessment of the betrayed partner’s current perception and experience related to anger. This indication is also based on the data collected in research question 45 where betrayed partners identified the complexity of assigning meaning and definition to anger in a wide range of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors indicating there is not a one size fits all process for addressing anger after betrayal. Each person’s experience may be both universal and unique at the same time which is evidence of the complexity of the impact of betrayal trauma anger experienced by a betrayed partner.

In conclusion, the researchers recognize that anger itself is to be an expected and normal trauma response following betrayal or any traumatic event, death, or loss, and can also serve a function such as a defense or protection noted by responses to research question 45. The data collected shows a betrayed partner’s experienced anger is more intense after betrayal than at any other time in their past. Results also indicate a betrayed partner’s experience with anger feels out of control, leads to behaviors that are not characteristic of their ability to express anger prior to betrayal, and therefore, they may not be equipped to process or manage the anger in a healthy way that avoids harm to themselves or others.

Based on the results of this survey, the researchers recommend the following six considerations when treating people seeking help for betrayal trauma anger. First, plan to assess the betrayed partner’s experience of betrayal anger during the initial phase of treatment as well as ongoing throughout the therapeutic treatment process. Second, ask anger specific questions and provide anger management techniques. Third, explore how betrayal anger may be impacting a betrayed partner’s faith and faith community. Fourth, prepare to provide nonviolent psychoeducation and resources for managing betrayal trauma anger. Next, be mindful of personal betrayal biases and offer support to the partner if they wish to stay in the relationship after betrayal. Lastly, continue to advocate and provide psychoeducation to other colleagues and clients that a betrayed partner will likely experience anger in a way they have not prior to betrayal due to the impact of trauma.

Limitations

This study has several limitations. First, participants did not represent diversity in gender or ethnicity. Second, identification of any perceived stages and/or time frames of the healing process after betrayal are not assessed or differentiated related to the experienced impact of betrayal trauma anger. Third, questions that provide a deeper understanding of the psychological functions of, and alleviation of betrayal trauma anger have not been explored in depth to increase clinical utility.

Recommendations for future research

The researchers recommend further research in four areas. First, participants in this study included 287 identifying as female, nine identify as male, and one identified as non-binary. Future research including a larger number of males and non-binary participants is recommended in order to identify if the impact of betrayal trauma anger experienced differs between genders. Second, future studies on betrayal trauma anger including ethnicity diversity assessment to analyze clinical efficacy across cultures is recommended by the researchers to further explore best practices to help diverse cultures experiencing anger after discovering being deceived by an intimate partner. The third recommendation involves conducting betrayal trauma anger surveys during various stages of therapeutic treatment assessing the impact of both acute and prolonged anger on a betrayed partner in the healing process. Furthermore, future research exploring betrayal trauma anger to underlying issues such as insecure attachment, diminished romantic desirability, narcissistic rage, motivational revenge, and relational transgression may lead to a more comprehensive clinical approach to processing betrayal trauma anger. Recommended questions for future studies may include, “Does alleviating anger require restoring feelings of romantic desirability, and if so, how does that happen in an ongoing relationship with an unfaithful partner? and “How does one let go of revenge motivation after infidelity, especially if some unfaithful partners seem unrepentant or seem to feel victimized by what they may perceive as their betrayed partner’s excessive need to punish them for their transgression?”

Table 1. Represents research survey questions and answers.

RQ #	Research Survey Question	% Yes	% No	% Other
RQ15	Did your coach, therapist, or spiritual leader provide specific help for you to manage your betrayal trauma anger?	56.90	39.06	5.05 Have not met with a professional
RQ25	After discovering you were betrayed, did you become angry with yourself or blame yourself for being betrayed because you thought you were foolish, stupid, or naïve?	87.21	13.47
RQ29	After discovering you were betrayed, have you thought about harming yourself?	43.10	56.90
RQ31	After discovering you were betrayed, did you experience feelings of intense anger?			Answers listed in Chart 2
RQ32	Did the anger you experienced after discovering betrayal seem more intense than any other time you have been angry in the past?	84.18	15.82
RQ33	After you discovered you were betrayed, did you repress (you felt angry, but you did not express it) your feelings of anger?	21.89	18.52	60.27 Yes, sometimes
RQ34	Please check any of the following you experienced as a result of repressing your anger.			Answers listed in Chart 3
RQ35	After discovering you were betrayed, did you express your anger in a manner that was unusual for you such as swearing, yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc.?	76.43	23.57
RQ36	When experiencing betrayal trauma anger, did you feel like your anger was out of control at times?			Answers listed in Chart 4
RQ39	Have you felt judged negatively by others after expressing your anger from being betrayed?	47.47	53.20
RQ40	Have you felt stuck in your betrayal trauma anger?	65.66	34.34
RQ41	After discovering you were betrayed by your intimate partner, did you experience feeling angry at God?	46.13	53.87
RQ43	Please check all of the following betrayal triggers that have been a source of anger for you.			Answers listed in Chart 5
RQ44	Please check all that apply as to the negative results when you have experienced anger about the betrayal(s).			Answers listed in Chart 6
RQ45	Please check all that apply to your experience.			Answers listed in Chart 7
RQ46	When you become angry related to betrayal, please check all that apply that help you manage your anger.			Answers listed in Chart 8
RQ49	Is there anything the intimate partner who betrayed you can do or has done to make things right with you?	80.81	20.88

Ethical approval

This research study was conducted for the purpose of collecting data through a survey to improve clinical therapeutic services, coaching services, and spiritual guidance for helping professionals treating people who have been traumatically impacted by intimate sexual betrayal. Prior to posting the survey and recruiting volunteer participants, the survey was approved by the Pearl International Review Board and determined to be classified as Exempt Research Status on May 19, 2023. General Informed Consent was given at the beginning of the survey. Participants were volunteers age 18 and older.

Acknowledgments

The researchers want to thank the courageous betrayal trauma survivors for their time and vulnerability in sharing their experience in the Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey.

Disclosure statement

Drs. Hollenbeck and Steffens have no known conflicts to report. It is notable to mention that Dr. Steffens is the Founder of APSATS and that both Dr. Steffens and Dr. Hollenbeck hold certifications from the organization to offer professional specialized treatment to betrayed partners.

Data availability statement

The data that support the findings of this study are available on request from the corresponding author. The data are not publicly available due to privacy or ethical restrictions.

Correction Statement

This article has been corrected with minor changes. These changes do not impact the academic content of the article.

Additional information

Funding

The author(s) reported there is no funding associated with the work featured in this article.