Navigating loneliness: the interplay of social relationships and coping skills

ABSTRACT

This study explores the (characteristics of) social relationships and coping efforts that protect emerging adults from feeling lonely. The research question is ‘what do emerging adults need in order to not feel lonely?’. Semi-structured interviews with university students from the Netherlands (N = 29; 20–26 years) were conducted between November 2021 and February 2022. Thematic analysis was used to analyse the data. All participants had experiences with loneliness. In order to not feel lonely, participants needed functional, available social relationships with specific others. Quantitative and qualitative characteristics of social relationships were discussed. Furthermore, participants needed to know and accept themselves and to have realistic expectations about others. In terms of coping, participants made active efforts to improve social relationships and altered expectations about others. The results are discussed in line with social discrepancy theory, coping theory, and characteristics of the life phase of emerging adulthood. Implications for loneliness interventions are discussed.

KEYWORDS:

• Loneliness
• emerging adulthood
• social relationships
• coping

Introduction

Loneliness among emerging adults (range 18–29 years; Arnett, 2000) is an increasing concern in modern society. Studies show that emerging adulthood is a period in life in which loneliness reaches a peak (Barreto et al., 2021, Hawkley et al., 2022, Luhmann & Hawkley, 2016). Levels of loneliness in this age group have gradually increased over time (Buecker et al., 2021), with a sharper increase during the COVID-19 pandemic (Bu et al., 2020). In the Netherlands, in which the current study was situated, 49% of people aged 18 to 34 reported feeling lonely in 2022, during the pandemic (VZinfo.nl, 2023). Amongst emerging adults, loneliness is related to problematic personality development and higher likelihoods of experiencing mental health problems, e.g. low self-esteem, stress, depression, and anxiety (Matthews et al., 2019, Mund & Neyer, 2019, Richardson et al., 2017, Vanhalst et al., 2013), physical health problems, e.g. migraine, high blood pressure, reduced resistance to disease, and back pain (Christiansen et al., 2021, Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2007). In addition, it is related to engaging in maladaptive physical health behaviours, e.g. less physical activity, more alcohol consumption, and more smoking (Christiansen et al., 2021, Matthews et al., 2019). Furthermore, loneliness at a younger age is a potential risk factor for poor health, disability and lower income in later life (Matthews et al., 2019, Von Soest et al., 2020).

Emerging adulthood is considered to be a period of substantial change and is described as the age of identity exploration, instability, feeling in-between, and self-focus (Arnett, 2000, 2004, Barry et al., 2009). Some of the characteristics of emerging adulthood form potential risk factors for loneliness. For example, identity-related concerns, social expectations, concerns about the future, social transitions, negative self-image, poor acceptance by peers, and negative self-image have been associated with higher risk of loneliness (Buecker et al., 2021, Hopmeyer et al., 2022, Sundqvist & Hemberg, 2021, Vanhalst et al., 2014). Other risk factors for loneliness in the lives of emerging adults are starting a new job or study, loss of loved ones, low household income, lack of experienced support, homesickness, experiencing poor-quality friendships, low self-esteem, shyness, poor social skills, and poorer health status (Hawkley et al., 2022, Hopmeyer et al., 2022, Tian et al., 2019, Vanhalst et al., 2014).,

Social relationships are known to offer protection against loneliness (De Jong Gierveld et al., 2006, Holt-Lunstad, 2021, Sundqvist & Hemberg, 2021). More specific, having a larger and more diverse network of strong and weak ties and kin and non-kin relationships is associated with lower levels of loneliness (De Jong Gierveld et al., 2006). As emerging adults are at a high risk of being lonely and loneliness is related to negative outcomes, it is important to learn more about the social relationships that protect emerging adults from feeling lonely and about how they cope with loneliness when it does occur.

Social relationships in emerging adulthood

Parents, close friends, and romantic relationships are three important categories of social relationships in the lives of emerging adults. Parents are the primary caregivers and therefore parental relationships are important in the development of emerging adults (Furman & Buhrmester, 1992, Nelson et al., 2011). Satisfaction with parental relationships is associated with better adjustment, fewer depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction (Chopik et al., 2022). Lack of parental care and insecure attachment to parents has been associated with increased feelings of loneliness (Hemberg et al., 2022, Wiseman et al., 2006). During emerging adulthood the frequency of parent-child contact often gradually declines, separating emerging adults from their parents (Hill et al., 2016).

Most emerging adults have close friends and many are involved in romantic relationships (Collins & Madsen, 2006). Emerging adults spend considerable amounts of time with their friends and romantic relationships (Collins & Laursen, 2004), which has been associated with happiness (Demir, 2008, Demır & Weitekamp, 2007) and identity formation (Barry et al., 2009). Friendships provide a feeling of worth, a sense of belonging, emotional support, advice and counsel, fun and enjoyment, introduction to new individuals in order to expand the social network, and to a lesser degree intimacy (Buote et al., 2007, Furman & Buhrmester, 1992, Qualter et al., 2015, Weiss, 1974). Romantic partners provide emotional and physical intimacy, emotional support, companionship, and a feeling of worth (Arnett, 2000, Barry et al., 2009, Qualter et al., 2015, Weiss, 1974). Romantic relationships are associated with lower levels of loneliness during emerging adulthood (Beckmeyer & Cromwell, 2019, Hopmeyer et al., 2022). Over time, romantic relationships often become the prime relationships in the social networks of emerging adults (Boisvert & Poulin, 2017), which results in lower levels of loneliness during later stages of adulthood (Luhmann & Hawkley, 2016).

Coping with loneliness

In their transactional theory on stress and coping Lazarus and Folkman (1984) describe the process of appraisal in which meaning is ascribed to events or stimuli (Biggs et al., 2017, Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Two types of appraisal are made. In primary appraisal an individual appraises whether specific demands are taxing or not. Demands that are considered to be taxing require secondary appraisal, in which the individual appraises whether the demands are exceeding available resources. Examples regarding loneliness are being alone, losing a loved one, or entering new social situations. Potential resources that can mitigate taxing demands are existing social relationships and good social skills. Demands that are taxing and exceed available resources cause stress and require coping. Coping is defined as an individuals’ constantly changing cognitive and behavioural efforts to manage demands appraised as taxing and exceeding their resources (Biggs et al., 2017, Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). A division of coping efforts in two higher-order categories is commonly made (Baker & Berenbaum, 2007, Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Problem-focused coping refers to active efforts to manage stressful situations and to alter the troubled person-environment relationship. Emotion-focused coping refers to regulative efforts to diminish the emotional consequences of stressful events.

Social discrepancy theory suggests that loneliness is experienced when there is a perceived discrepancy between the (quality of) relationships one has and wants (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). In accordance with the transactional theory on stress and coping, social discrepancy theory suggests two ways for coping with loneliness. Improving the relationships one has is a problem-focused way of coping. Altering expectations about the relationships one wants is an emotion-focused way (Schoenmakers et al., 2015). In their review, Deckx et al. (2018) found that problem-focused coping is associated with lower levels of loneliness, while emotion-focused coping is associated with higher levels of loneliness. In a study amongst adolescents, McWhirter et al. (2002) found that both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping are associated with lower levels of loneliness, and that high self-esteem is important to this relationship.

Qualitative studies on coping with loneliness among emerging adults reported more specific behaviours and attitudes. Examples of problem-focused coping behaviours are seeking interaction with others and seeking social support (Janta et al., 2014; Tagomori et al., 2022; Vasileiou et al. 2019). Examples of emotion-focused efforts are cognitive restructuring of relationships, acceptance, and minimization (Firmin et al., 2014; Tagomori et al., 2022; Vasileiou et al. 2019). In addition, avoidance or escapism is an often used coping strategy. For instance, Janta et al. (2014) found that PhD students devote more time to their work when feeling lonely. Finally, negative coping behaviour was found, for instance social withdrawal, obsessing about problems, avoidance, and choosing social isolation and self-reliance (Matthews et al., 2019; Tagomori et al., 2022; Vasileiou et al. 2019). In sum, emerging adults use different strategies for coping with loneliness, often simultaneously. The effectiveness of these efforts in terms of reducing loneliness or its impact is unclear.

Aim of this study

The purpose of the current study is to further explore loneliness among emerging adults. We are interested in the characteristics of social relationships that protect emerging adults from feeling lonely, how emerging adults appraise loneliness, and how they cope with loneliness when it does occur. More specifically, we aim to learn more about the process of appraisal and coping regarding loneliness. The main research question of this study is ‘what do emerging adults need in order to not feel lonely?’. Increased understanding of coping may be useful for improving interventions to prevent, manage, or alleviate loneliness.

Materials and methods

Research design

This qualitative study followed a phenomenological approach. In phenomenological analysis, people’s lived experiences, perceptions, and meanings are the object of study (Langdridge, 2007, Patton, 2002). The consolidated criteria for reporting qualitative research (COREQ) guidelines (Tong et al., 2007) were used for reporting this study. According to the institutional review board, ethical approval was not required for this study, as this study was a non-interventional study and no medical data was shared.

Participants and recruitment

A sub-sample of emerging adults, i.e. full-time university students from Dutch universities was selected. Inclusion criteria for participation were: (1) aged between 18 and 30 years, and (2) having experienced loneliness in the past or feeling lonely in the present, which was asked during the interview. We included emerging adults who felt lonely in the present or past, as both groups can reflect on the experience of loneliness and what is needed not to feel lonely. Diversity within the sample was attempted through variation in gender, ethnicity, and study direction. Participants were approached through the networks of University staff and the interviewers. A total of 29 participants were interviewed. Participants’ characteristics are presented in Table 1. Ethics approval was waived as participants were not subject to perform actions and no rules of conduct were prescribed to them.

Table 1. Participant characteristics (N = 29).

	N	M
Male	7
Age (range 20–27)		23
Native Dutch background	19
(Former) Dutch Antilles	6
Non-European background	4
Study direction
Psychology	11
Nursing/Health	4
Social work	2
Pedagogy	2
Gerontology	2
Business	1
Law	1
Marketing	1
IT	1
Chemistry	1
Speech therapy	1
Arts	1
Teaching (history)	1

Data collection

Semi-structured interviews took place between November 2021 and February 2022. Lockdown measures due to the COVID-19 pandemic were in place. Meetings between two persons were allowed. Public venues and universities were open with restrictions. People with COVID-19 symptoms and people exposed to symptomatic others were quarantined. Given the personal nature of the interviews, face-to-face interviews were preferred. In order to make participants feel safe, interviews were performed in an environment of their choosing, often their universities, sometimes their homes. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, twelve interviews were conducted online. The interviews were conducted by three interviewers, i.e. the lead author and two trained psychology students. Prior to the interview, participants received information about the study, the protection of their privacy, and were asked to sign an informed consent. Interviews were audio recorded. Duration of the interviews ranged between 31 and 170 minutes (M = 73 minutes). Interviews were conducted in Dutch, except one which was conducted in English by request of the participant.

Interview guidelines were developed by the lead author in consultation with the student interviewers. The guidelines provided a pre-designed structure for the interviews with topics and introduction questions per topic. Interview topics were ‘experiences with loneliness’, ‘quantitative and qualitative characteristics of social relationships’, and ‘coping with loneliness’. Interview prompts were ‘can you tell me something about yourself’, ‘what do you need in order to not feel lonely?’, ‘do you (sometimes) feel lonely?’ or ‘what is loneliness to you?’, ‘to what extent do you think you will become lonely should certain relationships become unavailable for some reason?’, and ‘what do you feel is important for you in relationships?’. In order to achieve and maintain a conversational atmosphere during the interviews, interviewers were allowed to change the order of the interview, provided that all topics were addressed. At the start of each interview, the purpose of the interview was explained and demographic data was collected. Next, participants were asked: ‘what do you need in order to not feel lonely’. In most interviews, the social network was discussed first. Important social relationships were written down in a list or network circle. Often, categories of relationships were listed, e.g. ‘parents’, ‘class mates’ or ‘close friends’. Qualitative and quantitative characteristics of social relationships were discussed, e.g. importance of the relationship, received and given support, and contact frequency. Next, participants were asked about personal experiences with loneliness. Finally, coping with loneliness was discussed.

Data analysis

Interviews were transcribed verbatim and pseudonymized. Braun and Clarke’s (2012) six-phase approach to thematic analysis was used to identify and organise relevant patterns in the data. Braun and Clarke’s six-phase approach to thematic analysis combines an inductive approach, used for theory-building and a deductive approach, used for theory-testing. Patton (2002) suggested using both approaches together, starting with an inductive approach and then moving to a more deductive approach. Armat et al. (2018) suggested that using both approaches combined reduces chances of erroneous assumption. ATLAS.ti version 22 software was used for the coding and analyses.

After familiarizing with the data (phase 1), initial codes were generated (phase 2) and a first set of themes was defined (phase 3). In these phases, both authors used inductive coding to analyse four transcripts independently. Codes were compared and differences discussed. A first set of themes was identified. As a second step, each author coded two more manuscripts applying the identified themes, but also adding new themes. Again, results were compared and themes were reviewed (phase 4), resulting in a set of fixed themes (phase 5), i.e. loneliness, types of relationships (e.g. romantic relationship, parent, friend), qualitative aspects of relationships, quantitative aspects of relationships, time, coping, COVID-19, social media. This set of fixed themes was used to code all data. Each transcript was coded by one of the authors, applying the set of fixed themes, while still allowing the authors to add new themes. Data within each theme were reread, discussed, and revised iteratively by the authors, resulting in a higher-order categorization of the themes and reported (phase 6).

Results

Sample characteristics

Ages of the participants (N = 29) ranged between 20 and 26 years (Table 1). Most participants were female (N = 22). Six participants came from the (former) Dutch Antilles, four participants had a non-European background. Study backgrounds of the participants varied, e.g. IT studies, psychology, or social work. Eleven participants mentioned having mental health issues or having had them in the past, e.g. social anxiety disorder, ADD, depression, or burn-out. The results section starts with a description of participants’ experiences with loneliness. Next, the main themes regarding social relationships needed in order to not feel lonely and coping with loneliness are presented.

Loneliness among participants

Loneliness was described as an empty, negative, abandoned feeling, when there is no one available for you, when you feel misunderstood by others or the world, or when you miss intimacy. The participants mentioned that loneliness was not always related to the absence of others, but also occurred when they felt unseen or misunderstood.

‘I recently had a difficult time. I felt misunderstood by the world. When things are hard, I can feel lonely, despite feeling loved at the same time. For me, feeling lonely is feeling misunderstood’. (P10: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

All participants mentioned that they had experienced loneliness at some point in their lives. Several participants also felt lonely in the present. Experiences with loneliness varied in duration and intensity. Most experiences with loneliness were episodic and of relatively short duration, for instance feeling uncomfortable entering an unfamiliar classroom, or attending a family dinner with a parents new partner after a divorce. Sometimes loneliness lasted longer, for instance when feeling homesick while studying abroad, when lockdown measures were in place, or after losing a loved one. Some experiences were described as intense and overwhelming, others less so. For most participants, knowing the cause of loneliness made it less problematic, even when an experience was lengthy, intense, or difficult. In more severe cases, loneliness was the result of a complex interplay of factors, e.g. difficult relationships with parents, mental health issues, and life events. For participants to whom this applied, causes for loneliness were less clear, loneliness was a more permanent state, and more problematic. These participants mentioned unhealthy and even harmful behaviours.

‘I noticed I didn’t feel like cooking or putting effort in food. I just didn’t feel hungry. At night I felt uncomfortable, in mornings numb. I didn’t have any energy’. (P16: Male, 26, Native Dutch background)

‘I was not taking care of myself. No showering, dental care, doing my hair. (…) I started behaving in a toxic way towards my friends, distancing myself from them. (…) I figured things didn’t matter anymore. (…) I started hurting myself, because that was something I could control. (…). I started drinking large amounts of alcohol’. (P27: Male, 25, Native Dutch background)

Participants often mentioned facing high expectations, such as having a large social network, being successful, or always having a good time. Participants felt that these expectations were set upon them by ‘society as a whole’ but also by their own family, friends, and other social relationships. Not living up to these expectations contributed to feeling lonely. For some participants, social media played an important role in that regard. They mentioned that social media often presents the best moments in the lives of others and social comparisons are often made when using social media. Especially in more difficult times, social comparisons were not always positive, which contributed to them feeling lonely.

‘Sometimes I look at social media and I think “I want that too!”. You compare your own situation with that of others’. (P4: Male, 23, Native Dutch background)

Having functional, available social relationships: quantitative aspects

Most participants described their social networks in terms of an ‘inner circle’, consisting of parents, close friends, and sometimes romantic relationships and siblings, and an ‘outer circle’ containing other friends, other family, fellow students, and others. All participants perceived the inner circle to be essential for not feeling lonely. The outer circle was described as ‘nice to have’, but not or less essential. Sizes of inner circles differed, ranging roughly between five and fifteen persons. Participants expected to become lonely should one of their inner circle network members disappear. The size of the current inner circle was regarded as the minimal network size that was needed to not feel lonely.

The frequency of contact needed with social relationships in order to not feel lonely varied. Some participants needed daily contact with members of their ‘inner circle’. For others a lower frequency sufficed. In addition to face-to-face contact, digital technologies (social media and messaging services) were often used to remain in contact with loved ones.

‘My family is back in Aruba. (…) I WhatsApp with them every day and we FaceTime in weekends.’ (P6: Female, 22, (former) Dutch Antilles)

Some participants mentioned instances in which their social networks were too small or contact frequency was too limited. This was often related to a life event. For instance, participants mentioned moving to another city or country. By doing so, their existing social network became less available and they felt lonely. Other participants were missing specific relationships in the social network. Participants described feeling lonely after their mother or good friend had died. Several participants mentioned missing a romantic partner in their lives.

‘If you would ask me if I feel lonely in general, the answer is no. If you would ask me if I feel lonely in my love life, then yes, because I do not have a romantic relationship at this time’. (P2: Female, 22, non-European background)

Having functional, available social relationships: qualitative aspects

Certain characteristics of social relationships were mentioned as important for all inner circle network members, i.e. reciprocity, openness, acceptance, safety, shared interests, equity, intimacy, enjoyment, and receiving and giving social support. However, the characteristics applied in different ways and extents to different relationships. Regarding the relationship with parents, love, safety, and support were the most important features. For many participants it felt like their parents were there for them unconditionally. This made them feel socially and emotionally embedded. Knowing they had their parents to fall back on contributed to not feeling lonely.

‘I think my parents are essential. I am very grateful that my parents raised me the way they did. It was always safe, nice, open, and honest. (…) I can always fall back on them. It feels like having an enormous safety net’. (P7: Female, 21, Native Dutch background)

In some cases, contact with mothers was mentioned to be even deeper and closer than contact with fathers. For most participants, the relationship with their parents was changing. They were becoming more independent and the parent-child relationship was becoming more reciprocal. Participants were searching for a new balance in the parent-child relationship.

‘Lately I notice that our roles are changing. Back then, they were there for us. Now we can also be there for them should something occur’. (P13: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

Key features mentioned for close friendship were acceptance, intimacy, enjoyment, and social support. Participants wanted their close friends to accept them for who they truly are, including their flaws.

‘Well, my friends accept me for who I am. They know how I think and feel. That makes it easier [refusing to join in an activity]. I can just say: you know how I am’. (P26: Male, 26, non-European background)

Participants wanted friends with whom they could have deep, intimate conversations, as well as fun. In difficult times, close friends needed to be supportive and if they were, this strengthened the relationship. It was considered to be important that social support is reciprocal: there needs to be a balance in which both sides give and receive support.

‘My friends are very supportive. I seem to pick friends who, for some reason have been through some issues or are going through a difficult time. They can relate to how I am feeling and it is easier for them to support me and for me to support them in their issues’. (P15: Female, 21, Native Dutch background)

In romantic relationships participants needed the same features as in close friend relationships, but to a deeper extent. Intimacy in romantic relationships was described to have a physical component which is seen to be important in order to not feel lonely.

‘Well, … the physical affection is becoming less. From time to time, I miss it. (…) So that is difficult’. (P16: Male, 26, Native Dutch background)

For some participants, longer lasting romantic relationships developed in a way that they became equally supportive as parental relationships and eventually surpassed those.

‘When others my age go home, they talk to their parents at dinner or so. (…) I share this with him [boyfriend]. It is sort of a replacement’. (P15: Female, 21, Native Dutch background)

Having functional, available social relationships: the element of time

Participants mentioned the importance of shared experiences. Social relationships were described to have a formative period in which frequent contact and shared experiences were important. This was considered true for good times and good experiences, but difficult times and experiences shared together made bonds even stronger. Once a relationships was established in the inner circle, contact frequency became less essential. For most participants, knowing that important others will be there when they need them was more important for not feeling lonely than the amount of time spent together. However, at the same time participants suggested that regular contact contributes to quality of the relationships.

‘I don’t necessarily need people around me physically. I just need to know that there are people who are always there for you’. (P1: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

Having functional, available social relationships: making active efforts

Participants described active efforts they took for building and maintaining their social relationships. For some participants, such efforts came effortless and were made almost subconsciously. For others, especially those who were more shy, insecure, introvert, or who were struggling with mental health issues, reaching out to their social circle was often difficult.

‘I really had to push myself to go back to University. Classes were available online, so I didn’t need to go to university to study. At first I stayed at home, but that was a bad idea. So, eventually, I (…) went back to university. There, I started feeling better.’ (P17: Female, 23, (former) Dutch Antilles)

Participants mentioned that making active efforts requires strength, social skills and opportunities, e.g. geographical proximity and available time on both sides of the relationships. Sometimes, social media was used to build or maintain social networks.

‘After resettling to another town, I registered at this dating app for friendship to find new friends. I met this girl and now we have regular contact. She lives close by, which is nice. I can text her last-minute to ask if she has time (…). It is nice to be able to text someone who live close to you whenever you are bored or feel a bit lonely’. (P13: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

Intra-individual characteristics: knowing and accepting yourself

In order to not feel lonely, participants mentioned having to learn to know and accept themselves, so they could feel comfortable with themselves and with spending time alone. Participants described the need for a positive self-image.

‘At some point, it just occurred to me … you have to be friends with yourself first, before you can be friends with others’. (P27: Male, 25, Native Dutch background)

Participants who were comfortable with themselves considered themselves more capable to act when feelings of loneliness were eminent, even when important social relationships were unavailable, for example by distracting oneself or by a cognitive effort not to think about (temporarily) missing relationships.

‘When my boyfriend is away for a long period … [works abroad] If I would just sit down and think about him being gone, it would make me real sad. So I just don’t. I focus on other things (…). For instance, I took singing lessons, something I wanted to do for a long time. I do other things that make me happy’. (P14: Female, 24, Native Dutch background)

Getting to know and accept themselves was an ongoing process for most of the participants. They were in the process of learning to understand what was important for them in their social relationships and how they reacted in social situations. Participants who were further along in this process were better in navigating through social situations and understanding emotions regarding social processes.

‘When I am by myself too long, I can start feeling bad. I start brooding over things. When that happens, I need to become active. I need to go outside, take a walk (…) I am getting more aware of that. I notice earlier now’. (P13: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

‘I took time to study my relationships. I wrote down who I knew and what activities I did with these people. I noticed I match certain people with certain interests’. (P14: Female, 24, Native Dutch background)

Past experiences with loneliness helped participants in learning who they are and to accept themselves. Perhaps paradoxically, this suggests that past experiences with loneliness are needed in order to not feel lonely in the present or future.

Intra-individual characteristics: realistic relationship expectations

According to the participants knowing what it is they wanted from their social relationships and being able to manage these expectations made it easier to establish and maintain fulfilling social relationships and not become lonely. Participants mentioned that their social relationships cannot always provide what they expect or need. Altering expectations about those relationships was sometimes needed in order to remain satisfied and not feel lonely. According to participants, having to alter, or even lower expectations was not problematic, as long as discrepancies between expectations and realizations were relatable and temporal.

‘Well at this point in time, I don’t expect anything from <name friend>. She says she is too depressed right now. (…) But when she is doing well, I would expect a phone call every now and then’. (P9: Female, 22, Native Dutch background)

For relationships with romantic partners, changing expectations was considered more difficult.

”So, for instance when I plan an evening with my boyfriend, I want the evening to be super fun and super romantic. (…) Reflecting on that, I should be able to say ‘spending the evening together is important and it doesn’t have to be as perfect as the image in my head’, but it doesn’t always feel that way yet. I can say that it is not the most important thing, but even if I mostly have what I wanted, it can still feel like it is not enough”. (P7: Female, 21, Native Dutch background)

Discussion

In this study, in-depth interviews were used to explore what emerging adults need in order to not feel lonely, what (characteristics of) social relationships provide protection from loneliness, and what ways of coping are used when feeling lonely. Three things are needed: (1) to know and accept yourself, (2) functional, available social relationships, and (3) to have realistic expectations about others. These results reflect the processes of primary and secondary appraisal and coping as formulated in the transactional theory on stress and coping (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). This theory suggests that when confronted with a possible stressor, a primary appraisal is made as to whether this demand is taxing. Our results suggest that potential stressors for loneliness are less taxing for emerging adults who are more comfortable with themselves, i.e. who know and accept themselves. Demands that are not appraised as taxing do not cause loneliness. In other words, knowing and accepting oneself heightens the threshold for potential stressors to result in loneliness. Learning to know and accept yourself is part of identity formation, which is an important process during emerging adulthood (Arnett, 2004).

When a demand is taxing, a secondary appraisal is made to determine whether this demand is exceeding existing resources. Our results suggest that the most important resource in order to not feel lonely is having functional, available social relationships. Emerging adults with a solid social network can take a higher demand load. A social network should provide sufficient frequency of contact, involve a variety of social roles, and should be characterized as reciprocal, open, accepting, safe, intimate, fun and supportive. These results are in line with Peplau and Perlman’s definition of loneliness (1982) that poses that both quantitative and qualitative aspects of relationships are important in order to not feel lonely. In addition, emerging adults need at least one person who they can fully trust, who accepts them for who they truly are. For most emerging adults, this is one of their parents. In line with previous studies (Boisvert & Poulin, 2017, Collins et al., 2009, Dush & Amato, 2005) the results of this study indicate that this role is gradually taken over by a romantic partner during emerging adulthood.

When potential stressors for loneliness are appraised as taxing and exceeding existing resources, loneliness occurs and coping efforts are needed. Both coping theory (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984) and social discrepancy theory (Peplau & Perlman, 1982) suggest two ways of coping with loneliness. Problem-focused ways of coping with loneliness contain active efforts to improve existing relationships or establish new ones. Emotion-focused ways of coping contain regulative efforts to change expectations and emotions about relationships (Schoenmakers et al., 2015). The results of this study show that emerging adults use both ways of coping: they make active efforts to improve the social network and alter expectations about relationships. Altering expectations about relationships is a normal process for emerging adults. During emerging adulthood, relationships are characterized as dynamic (Arnett, 2000). Expectations about others reflect this dynamic nature. The parental relationship provides a good example. During emerging adulthood, individuals become less dependent of their parents (Collins et al., 2009, Dush & Amato, 2005), while at the same time, parents remain important caregivers and important for the development of emerging adults (Furman & Buhrmester, 1992, Nelson et al., 2011). Emerging adults can be very independent from their parents at some times, while being very dependent at other times. Expectations about relationships with parents change accordingly.

The transactional theory on stress and coping poses that no coping strategy is inherently effective or ineffective and that context and personal factors determine effectiveness (Biggs et al., 2017, Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Yet, previous studies on coping with loneliness suggest that emotion-focused coping is not effective and that problem-focused coping can be (Deckx et al., 2018). The findings of the current study show that emerging adults apply both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping efforts and consider both to be important for coping with loneliness. We argue that emotion-focused coping should not be to easily dismissed. Both types of appraisal and different ways of coping influence each other (Biggs et al., 2017, Lazarus & Folkman, 1984), suggesting that the full process of appraisal and coping is important for coping with loneliness (Morgan & Burholt, 2022, Peplau & Perlman, 1982). In other words, in order for problem-focused coping to be effective in reducing loneliness, a process of appraisal and other ways of coping may be needed. Previous studies on coping with loneliness focusing solely on outcome effectiveness of coping (Deckx et al., 2018, Schoenmakers et al., 2015) ignored the process that may be essential for establishing positive outcomes. More research is needed to disentangle the complex nature of appraisal and coping regarding loneliness.

Even though in this study most emerging adults seemed able to cope with loneliness by themselves, not all of them could and interventions addressing loneliness are needed. The majority of loneliness interventions for late adolescents and emerging adults are predominantly problem-focused, aiming to improve social and emotional skills, increase social action, and enhance social support (Eccles & Qualter, 2021). Review studies suggest that psychological interventions are successful in targeting loneliness (Gardiner et al., 2018, Hickin et al., 2021, Masi et al., 2011), suggesting that interventions aiming at the perception of potential stressors for loneliness and emotion-focused ways of coping are important for preventing, managing, and alleviating loneliness. Based on the results of this study, and in line with previous studies, we have two suggestions regarding interventions. First, when intervening in order to enhance social resources of emerging adults, it is important to focus on parental and romantic relationships, in addition to friend relationships. Second, psychological interventions focussing on knowing and accepting oneself, strengthening self-awareness and resilience, de-stigmatising loneliness, and learning to formulate realistic expectations about others are needed. Because it may be difficult to reach emerging adults, we suggest starting early, in childhood or adolescence, when most attend schools.

There are several important limitations to this study. (1) The selection of participants was biased. All participants were students in higher education and results of this study do not necessarily apply to emerging adults with lower socio-economic status. In addition, a convenience sample was used and participation in this study was based on self-registration. Both these biases were beneficial for the current study, as participants were able to easily and readily articulate their feelings regarding loneliness and social relationships. However, it is important to keep in mind that not all emerging adults will talk about loneliness and social relationships so easily and readily. Finally, participants with a non-native Dutch background and with mental health issues were overrepresented in the sample. (2) This study was conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic. Loneliness received a lot of attention and many emerging adults experienced loneliness. The collective experience of loneliness may have made it easier to talk about loneliness, which may have aided the purpose of this study. Due to the pandemic, 12 of the 29 interviews had to be conducted online. Ideally, such variation in methods is avoided. Even though the researchers did not experience differences between online interviews and interviews on location, it is possible that both methods yielded different results. (3) There were large differences in the length of the interviews, ranging from 31 to 170 minutes. In general, interviews with participants with a non-native Dutch background were shorter. There may be a cultural factor in place that restraints them when talking about loneliness. Interviews with participants who experienced mental health issues were often longer. A potential explanation is that these participants had an extra topic to discuss.

Conclusions

This study contributes to the existing knowledge about loneliness by examining the social relationships that protect emerging adults from feeling lonely and how they cope with loneliness when it does occur. All emerging adults interviewed for this study have experienced loneliness too some extent. In order to not feel lonely, emerging adults need (1) to know and accept themselves, (2) to have functional, available social relationships, and (3) to be able to formulate realistic expectations about others. The results of this study reflect the processes of appraisal and coping (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984) and fit within social discrepancy theory (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). This study offers insights in appraisal of potential demands for loneliness, coping with loneliness, and for interventions to prevent, manage, or alleviate loneliness among emerging adults.

Acknowledgements

We thank Lisha Sophia and Michelle Verstegen for assisting in data collection.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).

Data availability statement

The data that support the findings of this study are available from the corresponding author, E.S., upon reasonable request.

Additional information

Funding

The work was supported by the Nationaal Regieorgaan Praktijkgericht Onderzoek SIA [HBOPD.2018.05.018].