I got played by my best friend in my own home: survivor testimonies of sibling sexual abuse

ABSTRACT

Sibling sexual abuse may be the most prevalent type of intrafamilial sexual abuse, however, the dearth in empirical knowledge lends to its great obscurity and lack of awareness, prevention and intervention by clinicians, researchers and families alike. The current study fills this knowledge gap through an inductive analysis with written testimonies of 28 survivors of sibling sexual abuse. Findings indicate familial and external circumstances surrounding the abuse that contribute to its occurrence. Three main themes emerge from the analysis: (1) Survivor reflections on their perceptions at the time of the abuse, (2) Responses to disclosure of abuse both in childhood and in adulthood and, (3) Survivors’ reflections upon their perceptions and feelings concerning SSA. The analysis indicates the critical need to listen to the voices of survivors and put an end to the marginalisation and minimisation of their experiences especially when attempting to make waves in practice, policy and prevention.

PRACTICE IMPACT STATEMENT

Survivors of sexual abuse, especially SSA, rarely disclose the abuse and even more rarely receive the proper interventions to allow them to cope with these experiences. The current study is thus an important step forward in terms of listening to the lived experiences of survivors and presenting to the scientific audience the invaluable information that they have bravely shared which will invariably further the research, awareness and policy.

KEYWORDS:

• Sibling sexual abuse
• intrafamilial abuse
• survivor testimony
• disclosure
• survivor emotions
• Characteristics ‌

Sibling sexual abuse (SSA) is a preventable form of child maltreatment that affects all involved long after the abuse itself has ended and must be examined as such by families, clinicians, researchers and policymakers. Intrafamilial relationships, especially sibling relationships, make up the longest lasting relationships throughout the lifespan (Dunn, 2018). Hence, in an attempt to understand why the effects of SSA may be so pervasive and long-lasting, it is helpful to examine the essence of familial relationships. Parents and siblings are primary drivers of affection and love in childhood and influence one’s stability and healthy development (Bowlby, 1988). Even more, siblings may be the source of affection and love for each other when absent from parents (Caffaro, 2020) and help to build and maintain healthy development in spite of stressful circumstances such as parental conflict (Caya & Liem, 1998; Davidson-Arad & Klein, 2011). Abuse from a sibling, therefore, is unimaginably painful and threatens the stability and longevity of the entire family unit.

Sibling sexual abuse is a family issue

Believed to be the most common form of intrafamilial sexual abuse, SSA has for too long been a marginalised area of study (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Katz & Hamama, 2017). Hence, it remains a misunderstood phenomenon for the families going through it, clinicians and researchers alike. The ambiguity surrounding SSA is multifaceted, stemming from a lack of agreement on what constitutes abuse between siblings and a general minimisation of its occurrence (Tener et al., 2021; Yates, 2017) which can be attributed to the shortage of empirical evidence.

There have notably been comprehensive national and international efforts to characterise, assess, and distinguish different forms of child sexual abuse (CSA). These investigations include research reports, public hearings, seminars and events with survivors as well as inquiries. Specifically, the report of the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse (2022) “has examined the responses of a broad range of institutions and organizations to allegations of child sexual abuse. It has considered a huge and complex picture to spot similarities, patterns and any unique circumstances”. This inquiry heard over 7300 victims and survivors and 725 witnesses to assess child sexual abuse quantitatively and qualitatively in different contexts and cultures. Astonishingly, however, sexual abuse committed by a sibling – although as stated above is thought to be one of the most common forms of intrafamilial sexual abuse – has not been a focus of this investigative efforts.

Due to the sensitive nature of the abuse having occurred between siblings, there are unique components that set SSA apart from the various forms of CSA and yet SSA remains underrepresented in the efforts targeting CSA. As such, details surrounding the ages of the children involved – all minors – as well as the reality of the parents’ need to intervene with both abusing and abused children who are also both their children (Donagh et al., 2022; McCoy et al., 2022) makes it clear that SSA must be looked at as a family issue (Katz et al., 2021; Kiselica & Morrill-Richards, 2007; Worling, 1995); the abuse as it occurs in relation to family and external circumstances, its lasting implications on the family system, and even on how to approach issues of intervention and justice.

Sibling sexual abuse is not an isolated event

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions regarding SSA is the notion that the occurrence is an isolated event in an otherwise perfect family dynamic with little lasting implications after the abuse has ended. However, available literature on the topic paints a very different picture. SSA is either the result of or the precursor for an intrafamilial crisis. Regarding the first, while researchers have found that families of all socioeconomic status, cultures, race and religions may experience SSA (Caffaro, 2017), familial and other external circumstances such as domestic violence, family discord and prior abuse might be associated with its occurrence (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Latzman et al., 2011; Worling, 1995). Regarding the latter, namely, the precise outcomes of SSA, it is believed that the implications of SSA are at the very least just as harmful as CSA, such as parental abuse (Veigh, 2003; Yates, 2020), and even more so the precipitator for later adverse outcomes (Caffaro, 2020; Carretier et al., 2022; Kendall-Tackett et al., 1993) such as depression, anxiety, impaired sexual functioning and lower self-esteem (for a review see Bertele & Talmon, 2021) among much else.

Several trends have emerged as contributors to these adverse outcomes: differing perceptions regarding the experiences (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Rowntree, 2007), lack of disclosure or disbelief and minimisation upon disclosure (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Tener et al., 2021) and a general lack of resources available following the abuse (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Yates, 2020). The harmful implications of SSA on mental health is highlighted by the finding that survivors of SSA are likely to seek counselling later in life (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Morrill, 2014). Consequently, SSA might not only pose an individual burden on survivors but also massively burdens the already strained health care system (Institute For Health Metrics and Evaluation, 2018). This further emphasises the need to better understand the phenomenon of SSA in order to develop approaches of preemptive intervention.

Besides for the lasting implications on the survivors themselves, the relationship with the perpetrating sibling within the family dynamics also remains complicated and unique across the lifespan (Lin et al., 2019; Monahan, 2010; Tener, 2019). A recent qualitative analysis describes adult survivors’ complex emotions surrounding the relationship dynamic with their perpetrating sibling; survivors’ desire to be close with that sibling exists on a broad continuum (Tener, 2019). Specifically, during times of high emotional stress, the long-lasting implications of the abuse may be especially felt; such as while navigating shared responsibilities with the perpetrating sibling for aging or dying parents (Monahan, 2010) or even the death of the abuser themselves (Lin et al., 2019). Furthermore, the ripple effects of SSA can be far-reaching and touch the lives of many. As such, the implications of SSA also extend to and affect the entire family as recently elaborated by McCoy et al. (2022). Accordingly, the importance of family-focused interventions for families with a history of SSA has been emphasised (McCoy et al., 2022), further underlining the magnitude of SSA and its pervasive implications.

The current study

While there is notably a relative lack of empirical evidence on SSA, more recently the tide has slowly been shifting and some advancements have been made in the field due to increased knowledge and awareness on the critical need to understand SSA, its aetiology and lasting effects. The current qualitative study therefore aims to add 28 more voices of people who have experienced SSA to the discussion in the hope that it furthers the knowledge in the field. The authors employed inductive analysis to examine how adult SSA survivors perceived the abuse and the social responses to its disclosure as conveyed in survivors’ testimonies.

Materials and methods

Participants and setting

The present sample consists of 28 testimonies written by Israeli adult participants across a wide age range (18–55, M = 29.96, SD = 7.42). These narratives were extracted from a larger set (N = 505) included in the “Israeli Independent Public Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse” and comprise only the testimonies written by adult survivors who experienced SSA in their childhood. All participants were Jewish: Seventeen participants identified their religious identity as secular, eight (n = 8) participants as ultra-Orthodox and three described themselves as traditional. The majority identified as women (n = 27), while one identified as a man. While two respondents reported one-time abuse, most participants (n = 26) reported ongoing abuse. The onset of the abuse to the participants began between the ages 3–13 years old (M = 6.93, SD = 2.407). In terms of perpetrator identity, 27 testimonies identified brothers, one testimony identified a sister, and four testimonies mentioned additional perpetrators including a father (n = 2), a mother (n = 1), and a relative (n = 1).

Data collection

The “Israeli Independent Public Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse”, was launched in 2020 by Professor Carmit Katz, PhD, of the Bob Shapell School of Social Work at Tel Aviv University and the Haruv Institute in Israel with the aim to highlight the experiences, perceptions, and narratives of people who endured child sexual abuse (CSA). This was accomplished through a platform which provided an opportunity for participants to submit testimonies on their lived experiences of CSA. It was translated into five languages and was open for oral and written testimonies from the public between September 2020 and September 2021. Invitations for participation were sent on social media platforms such as Facebook as well as on traditional media outlets like the radio and in newspapers. Additionally, to accommodate members of insular communities who may have limited internet access, the assistance of public figures and social influencers within their communities was solicited to garner participation. While the inquiry used several platforms for the data collection, the current study only includes written testimonies submitted via online form.

The format of the online submission for testimonies was designed to first compile data on the survivor’s gender, age, level of education, and employment as well as the characteristics of the abuse (e.g. perpetrator’s identity; the onset of the abuse). Then, open-ended questions were asked like “Please tell us the story of the abuse”; “Please share the way that the abuse was disclosed”; and “Please share with us whether you received help as a child” Finally, participants were asked to write personal messages, addressed to a variety of formal and informal systems in their lives (e.g. welfare, education, and healthcare services). Participants also had the option to write messages addressed to the perpetrators and their families. In this step, they also had the opportunity to write a message with anything they would say in general to children who undergo sexual abuse. It must be stressed that in all formats of providing testimonies, none of the questions were mandatory and participants were given the choice to skip questions or to focus on aspects they felt were more relevant to their story. Secure software was used to gather and store participant data in order to protect participant confidentiality.

Data analysis

The authors used an inductive approach that is particularly beneficial for investigating understudied phenomena (Clarke et al., 2015) to precisely capture survivors’ perspectives of SSA. The qualitative epistemology for this research is subjectivist where truth is seen as a function of socially and historically conditioned agreement, facts cannot be separated from values, pure objectivity is regarded as unachievable and the focus is on the way people construct and interpret their realities (Slevitch, 2011). Relatedly, the authors employed an inductive thematic analysis. The assumptions derived by inductive thematic analysis are data-driven (Riessman, 2008), and as a result, the themes found in the inquiry’s studies may have a solid relationship with the data. Therefore, there was no attempt made to fit the data into a pre-existing model or frame as the coding procedure was carried out. Hence, the authors implemented Braun and Clarke’s (2006) thematic method. The authors first read the testimonies to become acquainted with the data. The authors next carried out an open coding approach in which they carefully assessed the data and divided it into brief text segments, each of which represented a discrete unit of meaning; a central organising concept and was coded in accordance with its content (Braun & Clarke, 2013). For example, some units of meaning were coded as “mixed feelings towards the perpetrating sibling” while others as “feelings of shame and guilt”. Participants’ own statements were used to create the codes. The codes were subsequently organised into initial themes and subthemes. As an example, first, we identify the participants’ perceptions of SSA, and during the analysis we noticed that these perceptions were embedded within various contexts such as when participants emphasised external circumstances for the abuse occurrence. Therefore, we refined this theme while referring to the contexts highlighted by the participants. At this stage, additional codes and categories were added, along with the removal or revision of some of the themes. Finally, the themes were examined, identified, and defined. To make sure the interpretations accurately reflected the survivors’ voices, the interpretations were paired with quotes of the survivors.

According to Nowell et al. (2017), the methods provided here were used to meet the four standards for reliability and rigour in the theme analysis proposed by Lincoln and Guba (1985). In order to establish credibility, the participants first used the questionnaire’s guidelines to share their stories in their own words. To maintain the viewpoints and experiences of the participants, peer review and debriefing were conducted. In order to come to an agreement on the findings and their interpretations, the authors first had group discussions after each author had individually analysed the data. Then, in order to ensure transferability, detailed explanations of the study’s findings were included, along with quotes from the survivors. Finally, dependability was achieved through audit trails and documenting of the study process and related decisions. Peer debriefing sessions were also held to discuss and resolve the impact of potential author biases on the analysis. The data were analysed in Hebrew. After the analysis was complete, one author translated the narrative fragments from Hebrew to English, and another author did the back-translation to make sure the meaning was properly conveyed. The author who back-translated the narratives from English to Hebrew did not take part in the initial analysis and was not given access to original Hebrew transcripts.

Ethical considerations

The research team took great care to uphold high ethical standards to safeguard privacy and confidentiality of the survivors’ and their personal accounts of experiences through the online platform. As a result, the authors implemented security methods and technology to ensure that only the inquiry research team had access to the narratives. Prior to the analysis, the authors eliminated all identifying information from the data, and each participant gave their informed consent by signing a consent form. The inquiry study team made it clear to the participants before they started that their participation was completely voluntary and that there were no mandatory questions. As an additional step for participant safeguarding, information regarding free services from non-governmental organisations (NGOs) was provided and the contact information of the inquiry team was made available to the participants in the event that they had any requests, including but not limited to supplemental referrals. The study received ethical approval from the Tel Aviv University ethics committee.

Results

Sibling sexual abuse in the context of home environment and/ or external circumstances

The inductive analysis conducted with the 28 testimonies on SSA first and foremost underscores the need to view sibling sexual abuse as a family issue and not as an isolated event.

Polyvictimisation or witness to violence at home

Survivors emphasised several contexts wherein the abuse took place which varied from polyvictimisation in the home (i.e. four participants identified additional perpetrators of abuse in the family) and part of larger familial dysfunction such as problems in the marital system/parental dispute or domestic violence. In many of these cases, the siblings looked to each other for affection and stability or in some cases the harming sibling needed to take on a certain role of responsibility for the other children in the family. Eva, aged 37, writes:

I don't remember when it (the sexual abuse) started and how, but I have a memory from the age of 8 that it already exists. The difference between us (She and her perpetrating brother) is 5 years and we grew up in a seemingly normal home, with educated parents, etc., but with severe violence and lack of protection … I assume that the neighbors at least knew about the physical violence.

Unaware or unavailable parents

However, maltreatment and neglect in the home was not the only context wherein the abuse took place and other variables such as insufficient parental education on sexual topics, and parents being unaware themselves of normative vs. abusive behaviours between their children, were described by survivors as having contributed to the occurrence of sibling abuse. Beyond that, other external circumstances extended to parents being physically not as present or emotionally unable to be as attentive or aware of conduct between the children. Among these circumstances were poverty, the integration of both parents into the labour market due to economic hardship, war or conflict, and immigration. These multiple contexts were emphasised as setting the stage for the abusive occurrences and shaping survivor perceptions and experiences of the abuse. As Yael, 26 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

There was no warmth in the house. There was no love nor concern for basic needs – food, brushing teeth – mostly, we survived. I was my older brother's best friend […] he was my best friend. Together we survived. We were two sensitive children in a home where emotion was not allowed to be expressed. At around the age of 11, we were kicked out of our house.... They put us in a hotel. Father and mother in one room and me and my brother in another. That's where the abuse started.

Tamar, 30 years old, who was abused by her brother similarly shared:

My brother [the perpetrator] was my admirable brother, my secret man. I sometimes felt like I was in a relationship with him. I believed he loved me more than any of my brothers and that he cared about me. I thought that because of our relationship I got preferential treatment, a connection I was missing from my parents who did not know how to talk about feelings and they were champions in repression […] and not an address to turn to.

Survivors described parents who were unavailable which allowed the abuse to occur. Thus, survivors perceived their parents as not having protected them or failing to provide effective supervision and take the proper precautions to safeguard the abused child or punish the perpetrating sibling. Particularly in the backdrop of familial and external circumstances that plagued the family at large, survivors tended to perceive both themselves and the perpetrating siblings as survivors; both victims of the same unfortunate circumstances that enabled the abuse.

Acknowledging the abuse experienced by the perpetrating sibling

Identification with the perpetrating sibling was especially apparent in the cases where survivors reported that the perpetrating sibling had experienced and been victim to child sexual abuse themselves. Many survivors maintained that they and their perpetrating siblings were survivors of the same harsh circumstances and in this context, survivors emphasised that they don’t feel anger toward their perpetrating siblings. Instead, they acknowledge that their siblings underwent traumatic experiences that may have contributed to the cycle of abuse. Sharon, 24 years old, who was abused by her sister, shared:

I have no anger towards my sister for what me and my other sister went through because of her, because she was just a child […]. About 3 years ago I asked my older sister (the perpetrator) if she remembered the incidents, she started crying and didn't believe that I remembered and apologised again and again for the actions … and she told me that when she was 12 years old her friend did these things (the sexual abuse) to her because her (the sister's friend) uncle did them to her […] I realised what a sick cycle was going on here and more than anything I felt pain for her friend, as I believe that malicious sexual abuse by an adult is much more difficult to deal with. I think we both understood that we were victims of a situation.

Survivor reflections on their perceptions at the time of abuse

Examining the home environment and external circumstances for the analysis highlighted these contexts as contributing to the experiences being perceived at the time of abuse as playful and casual occurrences with a beloved sibling. Likewise, many survivors shared that they were too young to properly assess what was happening. At the same time, there often was a massive discrepancy between the abusive experiences and the perception of the relationship with the sibling who had abused them. Terms like “best friend” or “closest sibling” were used when describing the relationship with the harming sibling. As Yael shared:

My brother then was before Bar Mitzvah.¹ So, he convinced me to sleep with him in the double bed, to get into the bath naked with him. I didn't agree … He watched porn at night when only he and I were in the room. He started looking at me sexually. I pretended I didn't notice; he was my best friend.

Particularly, many survivors shared that the abuse happened at home, with a sibling who was trusted with caring for and capable of supervising their siblings and specifically during siblings’ games. For instance, Shoshi, 27 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

During my childhood, my brother was the one who took care of me a large part of the time, following my parents’ immigration to Israel, as they were at work for many hours. We (me and my brother) used to play games and at one point he wanted to play house. He pretended to be my husband. Often and as part of the game he would perform obscene acts on me; there were times he offered me to lie down and the last time he tried to rape me.

In a similar manner, Shosh, 25 years old, who was abused by her brother shared the casual circumstances in which it occurred:

My eldest brother is a figure who has always been very close to me, both then and now. He is a certain stability in the family chaos, both then and today. He entered the small room in the house, don't remember if mother was home at the time. I was sitting on the bed and he was next to me, we talked a bit. At some point he asked me to take off my underwear and touch me there. I said no, I don't agree. He asked again. I did not agree. Then the third time I agreed.

Likewise, Yael also shared:

One day my parents did not sleep at home. Only me and him (the brother) remained. We planned to watch a movie together […]. He opened his sofa bed and pushed the two beds together, put a film on and I fell asleep. I woke up when I felt something penetrating me from behind. It was him. I was angry with him. He cried and said he was sorry. (He said) It is because of my father or something like that; my father emotionally abused him severely. I fell asleep and I woke up angry. I kept falling asleep and then waking up feeling angry. Over and over again this happened.

Occurrence of abusive behaviours as playful games

Many survivors emphasised that the offending sibling did not force them or used coercive power during the abuse. Adam, 34 years old, who was abused by his older brother, shared:

As a child, I slept in a room with my brother, who is 6 years older than me. The brother would close the door and ask me to touch his penis […]. As a child I didn't understand what he wanted, it was like a regular game that I didn't like and didn't want but I cooperated because he pressed and asked. He didn't threaten or force me.

Going further than just the perception that the perpetrating sibling did not use power to abuse them, some survivors felt like co-partners in the abuse and even looked forward to it.

Dana, 39 years old, who was abused by her brother shared, “when our parents would leave us alone at home, my brother would use my body to satisfy his sexual curiosity. He would kiss me on the mouth, rubbing against me […] At some point I started looking for this closeness and kisses”.

Other survivors similarly attributed the abuse as occurring within, what they perceived as, “exchange relations” or even “consensual”. Merav stated:

It was consensual sexual exploitation. We had a quality hour where he read books to me, every week, on Saturday […]. When we were in the closed room, after reading the book, he asked to touch me. Like he does something for me, reads me a book, it's only fair that I do something for him. He didn't do anything I didn't want. After years, when I told him I wanted to quit, he accepted it. It was hard to keep the secret, and to live with the guilt. Having to cope with such sexual behavior all on my own was overwhelming for me, especially because I was so young. The scars it (the abuse) made are so deeply ingrained in my mind. I felt invisible. I thought I was only worthy of attention if I had something physical-sexual to give. A connection is made between my self-worth and the benefits I give to others. I felt guilty, because apparently, I chose it. I agreed to it, and I even enjoyed it.

All in all, familial and external circumstances directly contributed to the abuse which survivors perceived at the time as playful games. Reframing the abuse as playful was part of the technique used by the offending brother to initiate and prolong the abuse, as Shera, who was abused by her brother noted:

When I was six years old, he began sexually assaulting me for a period of about 4 years. He was then 14–18 years old. He would offer me sweets so that I would enter the shower with him, he would call it “play” or “game” so that I would want to “play” with him and receive sweets in return. It should be noted that we were a family without means […]. I just remember that after each time like this, he would bring me sweets and tell me that I mustn't tell anyone where the sweets are from and for what. I realised that I'm not allowed to tell what he's doing with me.

Minimisation and downplaying of the abuse

Mistaking the abuse as play was also described by survivors as a common response by their parents upon their attempts to disclose both in childhood and adulthood. Many survivors shared that they did try to disclose the abuse as children but since the abuse was embedded within a framework of play they found it difficult to precisely describe it as abusive; some described it as having a lack of “suitable” words to explain what had happened to them. Nera, 34 years old who was abused by her brother shared:

[…] He (the brother) probably enjoyed it (the abuse), and I was in pain. I went to my mother and told her that I wasn't allowed to play Lego. I didn't know how to convey it (the abuse) correctly, I didn't know how to tell her that he touched me and that it didn't please me. Children convey their message through drawings and a special language. You know it's unpleasant and it's him, you don't know it's not true, and you don't understand, as far as I'm concerned, I fought with my brother and that's it. That's why many times children don't tell […]. From a very young age I told my parents that it (the abuse) was around the age of 8. But the response was that a total of two children were playing.

Furthermore, survivors from conservative communities highlighted the lack of awareness regarding sexuality and sexual abuse among their communities which at times may contribute to their experience of not understanding the abuse. Tamar shares, “I grew up in an ultra-Orthodox home where there was no discussion of sexuality […]. I also didn't know it was sexual assault because I didn't know what it was […]”.

Response to disclosure of abuse both in childhood and in adulthood

Many of the survivors in the current sample expressed having tried, during childhood, to disclose the abuse. Due to a variety of factors, whether it be a lack of proper language to describe what was occurring as was illustrated above or parental minimisation, the abuse persisted albeit perhaps with alternative behaviours.

Responses to disclosure by an authority figure during childhood

Gila, 18 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

This (the abuse) went on for about 3 years until one day in sex education class when I was 9 years old, I understood. He does to me what the teacher defined as what father and mother do to get pregnant, so I quietly asked one of my friends if her brother also does this to her and she said: Absolutely not […]. One day I told him (the perpetrating brother) I would tell the school counsellor and then he stopped. But the harassment replaced the assaults, and he would harass me with his penis, by touching my body in different parts and many other things.

Hadas, 37 years old, who was abused by her brother, also described the response to her disclosure and lack of intervention:

I told my instructor in the youth movement; she told her mother who contacted the welfare department. When my parents knew that there was a report to welfare, they managed to get them out of the matter and there was no intervention in the end. After a year I applied myself, even then there was no response. My father managed to get the truth out of me, he asked me to keep it a secret. He demanded my brother to apologise. He came to ask for forgiveness and that was the end of all treatment of the matter.

Responses to disclosure by a family member during childhood

While several attempted disclosures were reportedly to extrafamilial individuals, in most cases of attempted disclosure during childhood was to their parents which presented unique challenges due to the intrafamilial nature of the abuse and inhibited effective and sustainable interventions. Sara, 23 years old, was abused by her brother and shared that while parents may have warned the children about perpetrators of CSA, that same warning somehow did not register for another sibling as apparent in the response to disclosure. Sara writes:

It should be noted that my mother used to warn us very much against all kinds of offenders. The warnings were never clear about what and how could happen to us. It should be noted that both I and my sister told our mother once about what was happening, but she ignored it […] but quietly behind our back, she warned him (the perpetrating sibling) a lot, but it didn't help, even when the parents were at home the abuse would continue, quietly under the blanket he would reveal his penis, he would touch me while we were sitting at the computer.

As an adult Sara reflects back to the weak response by her parents during childhood whose ineffectiveness perpetuated further abuse at a time when potentially the abuse could have been halted and intervened to. She says:

What bothers me the most about my story and what needs to change next is how to educate a child to be protected within the family and not to warn only of the dangers outside in a vague way, to explain about protection, how to react to a child who tells you about abuse, how to pay attention and be vigilant to a child who was abused himself and abuses others, and what do you do with it, how do you deal with a conflict of interest when they are all your children.

Cases of non-disclosure during childhood

As demonstrated above, many victims did attempt to disclose during childhood, however, this was not the case for all of the testimonies. Some survivors expressed not having disclosed either out of fear or out of a desperate attempt to protect the harming sibling. For example, Yael explained that she was afraid of the consequences of disclosure on the perpetrating brother, so like other survivors, she felt that she must protect her brother from disclosure and keep the abuse a secret:

For a period of time that I don't know, between months and a year in my opinion, he would come into my room at night and insert his fingers into my vagina. When I woke up, I was angry. But he always said he just came to look for a book. In the mornings I would write letters to him. Begging him to stop. I didn't want to tell dad and mom because I was afraid they would do something to him.

Response to disclosure in adulthood

The difficulty in disclosing to parents and minimisation by the parents upon a disclosure did not seem to get easier in adulthood. Eden shared on difficulty in disclosing to a parental figure about the abuse from another sibling:

I told my father, after my mother passed away, I was 21, and he said, “You're making me choose between my two children and I can't do it”. No, idiot. I ask you to choose what is right and proper and moral and help us both.

Yael also elaborated on her mother's conflicting response upon finding out about the abuse:

On one occasion my brother came to me in the early hours of the morning. My mother was in the bathroom next to my room. I woke up from his touch and got angry at him. My mother heard this and asked me if he was touching me. I told her everything. She didn't talk to me about it … He (the perpetrating brother) kept glancing at me sometimes when I was getting dressed … Since then until after 5 years in the boarding school I revealed it (the abuse) to an attorney. Then she (her mother) came to talk with the attorney. When she (her mother) left the conversation the first thing she said to me was “I'm not mad at you” but later, many times at home she screamed at me that I was destroying her house and because of that the house would fall apart. She shouted a lot.

Minimisation of the abuse by the very adults who should have been protectors and healers, namely parents, actually proved to do more harm upon disclosure and had later consequences on the lives of the survivors and on the relationships with their families. Noa, 27 years old, who was abused separately by several brothers shared:

At the age of 9, I told my mother, my mother did not respond and told me to go to sleep. It took 3 minutes […] She (her sister) talked to my parents. My parents accused me of walking around the house immodestly, that I destroyed the family … that I seduced all my brothers. I wanted to commit suicide. I moved to my sister's home for a month and a half. My mother told me I should forgive him (the perpetrating brother). I was afraid of him. I said I wasn't ready for him to be at home when I was there, but they did not respect that […]. Three years ago I decided to talk to my parents again, to explain to them how difficult the situation is. She (her mother) resisted and said I would give my father a heart attack.

Noa continued:

Apparently, they (the parents) agreed to do a risk assessment for him (the perpetrating brother) and go to treatment, but immediately they changed their minds and did not do it. And it was a year after he (the perpetrating brother) wrote a letter in which he wanted to murder his family and commit suicide. Because he hospitalised himself, they (the parents) forgave him. They see me as a perpetrator!

Cases of non-disclosure in adulthood

In cases survivors did not disclose and report the abuse, feelings of guilt as well as the feeling that they are somehow responsible in the event that others would be harmed, particularly the children of the perpetrating sibling were mentioned. Tamar shared:

I never filed a police complaint because I didn't want to make my parents sad. I did send him (the perpetrating brother) a message through them that he should keep a low profile because the option is always there, so if he dares to get close to one of my sisters or nieces, I will no longer feel sorry for him. I am sometimes preoccupied with the question of whether he continues to hurt and what is the extent of my responsibility for it […]. I sometimes reassure myself that he is married with children so maybe his potential for abuse is smaller even though as a social worker I know this does not prevent abuse.

Survivors’ reflections upon their perceptions and feelings concerning SSA

As Tamar described above, emotions of guilt and shame stemming from sibling abuse followed survivors into adulthood. Even more, perceptions and emotions surrounding the abuse took on different forms in adulthood, specifically perceptions on how to view the abuse such as it was exploratory or just a lack of impulse control and emotions of anger, loneliness, shame and guilt. For instance, Eden, 45, shared:

A brother […] taught me how to touch a penis like a man likes. Caressed my nipples and butt […]. I would have been happy if my brother had received an education for boundaries, for controlling impulses.

Eden further expressed her only wish, as an adult, was for her parents to have undergone parenting workshops and for her perpetrating sibling to have had more education on boundaries and impulse control. In line with this, emotions of anger expressed during childhood directed towards parents or the harming sibling as described earlier shifted for some survivors in adulthood. As Merav shared:

I would be happy to never tell. I would take this secret with me to the grave because I've been living with him for eight years, and everything is complicated for me anyway. In fact, I would rather live in misery than let my parents deal with this story […] in the past I was even angry towards them (her parents) that they didn't know (about the abuse), but now I'm not angry anymore, I understand that they were great parents, and that in this story there are no guilty parties, there is only victims.

Loneliness and feeling of exclusion were common in reports of survivors in adulthood after a disclosure. Linda, 32 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

Even now, my brother has a good place in the family. He is invited to all of the events while I am only given the option to decide if I want to attend with him there[…]. Since then (since the disclosure) no one in the family has said we are with you and excluded him from the family. One of my sisters tried to help but she was unsuccessful as it would be going against my parents who try to reduce and minimise it (the abuse).

Normalisation of experiences by survivors

Impaired perceptions and minimisation of the abuse as well as much confusion regarding its characterisation is apparent in the family system as well as for survivors themselves into adulthood. In their testimonies, many survivors used terms that inadvertently minimise abuse such as continuously referring to what occurred as “accidental” or “not intended”. Rivka, 26 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

I know it wasn't a one-time, but I don't remember how long it lasted. Maybe twice, maybe a few months, maybe once a year for a few years. He (the perpetrating brother) would come at night and touch my genitals, not for long. During the day he could tickle and accidentally reach my genitals as well. He was verbally violent but would do it (the abuse) nicely. It was impossible to say anything to him.

Ayelet, 23 years old who was abused by her brother also characterised the behaviour being done “nicely” and the confusion that still remains from the dichotomy of positive memories but simultaneous pain:

My older brother was then 15–16 years old when it (the abuse) started, I don't know how long it lasted. I was six years old. He was never violent towards me but did his things in a “nice” way. He would show me porn movies and then ask me to do to him so and so. At some point it ended, and I never talked about it in my life […]. I even got to talk to him about it (the abuse) and I told him I forgave him. I don't know if it affects my life today … all my joy in life was lost some time after I told what happened, maybe it has something to do with it.

Identification with perpetrating sibling

Some survivors still find difficulty in differentiating themselves from their perpetrating siblings and when they presently describe the abuse, they are left confused by their painful feelings but simultaneously maintain that what occurred was destructive for not only them but also their perpetrating sibling. Merav, 26 years old, who was abused by her brother shared:

Something terrible happened to him and me when we were little. I was small, he (her brother) not so much. It was terrifying for both of us. The (abuse) kind of things that are not necessarily bad, like Mentos, or Coca-cola, but in the wrong combination, they are destructive.

Merav continued and shared that even if the abuse was not intended, its ramifications are far lasting:

He didn't hurt me, not directly. He did not hurt me or sabotage my integrity in one way or another. But a girl can't experience something like that without it affecting her. Something in her is changing. Something in her is dead. She suddenly can't hear the song “Save the World, child” because she's seen the things that shouldn't be seen. She's grown up too fast, before she has had the opportunity to grow out of childhood. Then problems arise … It is not easy, to hate and to love the same person. A man (referring to her perpetrating brother) you are conditioned to only love. And now I understand that I also have to hate, at least until he starts to cope as well.

Discussion

The current study provided a unique opportunity to examine the experiences and perceptions of survivors of SSA as they chose to communicate it on a public platform. From an experience that was hidden and silenced to a story that will see the light, the most glaring conclusion underscores the critical need to continuously listen to the voices of the people who have been impacted by occurrences of SSA in terms of clarity and solutions for prevention, intervention, and policy. Slowly, research is coming around to the reality that SSA is an extremely common occurrence with lasting implications that while unique to each person and their experience also presents similar patterns and trends that could be analysed (Bertele & Talmon, 2021). Thus, inductive thematic analysis is a good measure that can help to precisely identify and encapsulate these homogenous themes.

The above findings firstly describe several contexts which may enable the start of abuse and even allow it to continue for longer periods of time. Simultaneous matters at home such as parental conflict or domestic violence, prior abuse or less parental awareness and guidance on sexual boundaries between siblings were reported contributing factors. Some survivors also referred to the abuse as occurring within a context of external circumstances such as war and immigration or work stress and financial distress which invoked the need for parents to work longer periods out of the home providing less adult supervision and also contributed to a lack of detection of the abuse. Similar results have been established in previous literature and presented in the metaanalyses conducted by Seto et al. (2015) and Martijn and colleagues (2020). Taken together, due to the varied backdrops that set the stage for SSA, there is no archetype for families who experience SSA and so clinicians and professionals must make every effort to provide all-inclusive screenings, not just in situations that raise an obvious red flag, all the while ensuring that all survivors and their families feel safe and supported if they do seek out intervention regardless of status or other existing conditions.

When examining the occurrence of SSA, one is often left wondering how it is possible that SSA can occur, often for longer periods of time, and remain undetected, especially that it mainly takes place in the home itself. However, the context in which the abuse itself occurs makes it very hard to distinguish even for the survivors themselves (Adler & Schutz, 1995). This is either due to the abuse being framed as a normal occurrence and routine or that the acts are conducted by a very trusted person in the child’s life, often a sibling that they are otherwise quite close with or who took an active role in supervising them and provided a certain sense of stability or affection which may have otherwise been lacking. Also, the survivors did not perceive having been coerced or threatened to engage in the acts which made them feel as if they were partners in a relationship or somehow complicit in these behaviours which further inhibited them from clearly recognising it as having been abusive. It is important to note that survivors seemingly made a clear distinction between persuasion and coercion. While some survivors recalled feeling confused or angry at their sibling, identification with the perpetrating sibling was common. This phenomenon is supported by earlier works (Lahav et al., 2019, 2021) which describe the process of survivors who ultimately sympathise with and become sensitive to the experiences of their aggressor, particularly when they were a close family member. Therefore, as many survivors described their perpetrating sibling as having been their “best friend”, identification with the sibling, contrary to various forms of child sexual abuse, directly lends to continuous silence and lack of disclosure (McCoy et al., 2022); survivors, as mentioned above, felt an innate obligation to “protect” the sibling who hurt them, ultimately protect the entire family system, or did not want to get them into “trouble”.

SSA is often embedded in normative behaviours by a capable and trusted sibling. The experiences were also not regarded as having been coerced even if persuasion was, at times, involved. But, it must be said, that many of the survivors described invasive forms of sexual contact which aligns with earlier findings that abuse by a sibling may be more severe and intrusive than from other perpetrators (Bertele & Talmon, 2021). Also, Pornography was often cited as being consumed by the perpetrating sibling prior or during the time of the abuse which is upheld by prior empirical studies (Latzman et al., 2011; McDonald & Martinez, 2017). It is imperative that the potential association between pornography and subsequent perpetration of abuse be further examined by researchers, clinicians and especially parents.

In reference to disclosure, more specifically the barriers to disclosure, for survivors of SSA are fairly similar to survivors who have experienced other various forms of CSA, particularly when the perpetrator was someone who the victim and their guardians knew (Brennan & McElvaney, 2020; McElvaney & Nixon, 2020; Wager, 2015). It is widely believed that survivors of SSA rarely come forward and if they do they face disbelief and minimisation (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Yates, 2020). The current findings, therefore, highlight a concerning trend also in cases of SSA that has not been explored yet: many survivors attempted to stop the abuse themselves or disclose to a safe adult at the time that the abuse was occurring (Tener et al., 2021). However, for a variety of reasons in the current sample, their pleas for help were not enough and the abuse continued or took on different forms. Most glaring was the perpetuation of silence by adults or the notion that the abuse will just stop if asked. Several survivors described how the perpetrating sibling was scolded by parents without their knowledge at the time but it just wasn’t enough to discourage the conduct. These findings add important details for consideration, namely, that SSA requires higher levels of intervention that must be taken seriously by parents and encouraged and guided by professionals and clinicians in the event that they become aware as it is occurring between the children. Strikingly, this point is highlighted by the fact that multiple survivors did disclose the SSA to professionals as both children and adults but have been ignored or not taken seriously. This is in line with research findings by previous reviews on the topic (Bertele & Talmon, 2021; Yates, 2020) and demonstrates the concerning tendency towards marginalisation and minimisation of SSA in professional contexts. The authors therefore suggest that it should be imperative for social workers working with children to undergo educational training increasing their awareness and signs of SSA.

In regard to the survivors who did not disclose until adulthood, reasons were cited as not wanting to get the harming sibling in trouble or not wanting to upset their parents. Upon disclosures in adulthood though, abusive behaviours were still not taken as seriously and often minimised by parents who did not know how to navigate the sexual abuse being that it was committed by one of their own children to another one of their own children.

For the survivors themselves, maturity and age at times brought along both alternative emotions and differing perceptions associated with their experience of SSA as well as consistent lingering feelings of confusion and pain. For example, for some, their anger from childhood turned into sympathy or a sort of understanding for the sibling or their family. For others, the betrayal pointed not towards the sibling who was also only a minor at the time, but towards the adults in their life who didn’t recognise anything amiss, distinguish harmful behaviours and ultimately protect them. Additional lingering emotions, especially shame and guilt are also common which aligns with previous research findings (Caffaro, 2020; Kiselica & Morrill-Richards, 2007).

Limitations and future directions

Some limitations must be recognised upon the conclusion of this analysis. The current study presents 28 unique perspectives of survivors of SSA, but may however still be limited in being inclusive of every survivor experience. This also extends to the wording used in regards to referring to all of the siblings involved in these sexual experiences. For clarity purposes, in the present study, we referred to the sibling who harmed as the “perpetrating sibling” and the sibling who has been harmed as “survivor” and the sexual experiences between them as abuse. However, we do acknowledge that this may not be representative of all of the behaviours in all situations that may have occurred on a continuum and the very broad range of such experiences and all individuals involved in them. It is important to note that we based our study on retrospective narratives of people who identified themselves as having been abused by their sibling but we do not have any official records corroborating these statements of abuse. Even with this limitation, we do believe that these narratives are crucial to further understanding the phenomenon of atypical and especially harmful sexual behaviours between siblings. This is because survivor voices are very much needed to examine this experience as they are the best assessor and indicators of their experiences and what would be considered “harmful” or “harmless”.

Additional limitation lies in the lack of longitudinal analysis on the perceptions of survivors. More specifically, being that the testimonies were recorded only once, it is possible that some adult survivor perspectives might change through the various life periods especially during life events that may bring the siblings in close proximity again i.e. happy or sad occasions in the family. In light of this, the authors conclude that more study is needed on larger samples longitudinally to precisely ascertain the context, reality, perception and effects of SSA. Furthermore, the current study is based on written testimonies that were driven by the inquiry's structure by survivors who chose to submit via the platform. However, many survivors do not share their stories, especially considering the ambiguity in understanding what SSA is, or perhaps felt limited by the inquiry’s structure. Looking ahead, in-depth in-person interviews with survivors may deepen our understanding of their perspectives and experiences of SSA and hopefully with greater awareness surrounding the circumstances of SSA, can be internalised by survivors of SSA themselves, thus opening the door to more sharing and allowing their stories to be heard.

A unique component of SSA lies in the way forward following the experience. Contrary to many other situations of sexual abuse where the survivors’ therapeutic process relies heavily on due justice, there is little evidence that that course of action mitigates the pain for survivors of SSA. In line with this thinking, it is therefore very interesting to note that testimonies from the current study indicated that justice for many survivors did not involve traditional judicial processes; the option for reporting to formal systems was actually not welcomed by survivors and their families as they insisted that it wouldn't be effective. Instead, they expressed their fervent wish for continued education and awareness by the family at large, about the reality and outcomes of SSA and particularly on boundaries, and that the perpetrating sibling recognise what they did, understand the lasting impact it left, genuinely apologise, and attend therapy. Clearly, really listening to what the survivors are saying in terms of justice deviates from traditional processes used for other types of child abuse and therefore underscores the crucial need to allow and involve the voices of the survivors to pave the way in terms of policy and intervention.

It also may very well be possible that the perceptions of the survivors regarding the abuse itself and especially their response following the experiences may change throughout the lifecourse. Therefore, we recommend to longitudinally examine survivor perception during various stages throughout the lifespan to assess for any changes in survivor perception. In addition to survivor perceptions, continued study into the biological, physiological and psychological effects of SSA, especially compared to other forms of sexual abuse, is highly suggested. To conclude, continued awareness on this undeniable issue and push for more knowledge by clinicians and researchers will undoubtedly precipitate positive change for families faced with the daunting reality of SSA as well as society at large.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).

Notes

1 A coming-of-age Jewish ceremony that takes place on the 13th birthday.